Thursday, February 5, 2015

How is He Supposed to Love Her?

by Kayla Schacht
When a couple loses their child, they both change. They become people they themselves don't recognize. The grief can consume you. Looking at your partner can make you mad, angry or even sick. Mad for all the things that was taken from you both. Angry that the person you once knew inside and out is no longer the same. Sick that your partner looks so much like the child you no longer have.
Grief can do two things, destroy or strengthen your relationship.
In my case, it complete demolished my marriage.
Three months after my Elly gained her wings, my husband left me and our 4 living children. I was sitting in complete despair, not knowing how I could lose my princess, and then lost the only other person I thought who could love our Elly Jae. How could I expect another man to love my baby, someone he would never meet, someone he would never hold, someone he would only see in pictures? And the bigger fear that was nagging me, is that even fair to expect him to?
Was it fair to the person I might love in the future that I was broken in a way most will never be? Was it fair that even if I didn't mean to I would put this huge weight upon his shoulders? Was it fair that if we had future children I could never fully enjoy our pregnancy because I knew what is possible? But the most important, was it fair that I would want him to love her?
I cried myself to sleep many night as it seemed I've lost so much.
I finally opened up to another angel mommy about my greatest fear: How is "he" supposed to love her?
This person is wise beyond her years. She told me that I wasn't being unfair or selfish. T hat one day I would meet someone who not loved just me and my living girls, but the little girl I carried in my heart as well.
He would love her in a way only he could understand. He would love her because he loved me. He would love her for who she has made me. He would love her memory.
He would cry for what he is missing out on. He would listen to every single memory I have of her. He would see her in me, in all the small things around him. But greatest of all, h e would help me keep her memory alive.
I talked to Elly about these fears, and  I asked her to lead the man that would love her in that special way into my life, to watch over him until the day she could watch over us both together.
I never expected it to happen so soon.
But like I've learned Elly has her own plans and likes to have things happen at her pace.
As I sit here and write this, t his amazing, special person sits beside me.  He is my strength on hard days, and he never forgets to include Elly in our child count. He encourages me to remember her. He doesn't make me feel awful when I miss her so much I just break. He sees her in small things, he sees her in me, and he sees who she has made me.

When her "special" days come around or I have to do something that he knows is going to be hard for me, he gladly takes the weight upon himself and holds my hand. He is my strength through those hard times.

He loves me. He loves my beautiful earth children.
But the greatest of all...HE LOVES HER!!!
Sending Elly a balloon as a new family.
  ~ ~ ~
Kayla Schacht is a writer from Utah. Her youngest princess lives in the clouds after living for 48 minutes after birth, all which were in her daddy's arms. Elly Jae was diagnosed with a fatal birth defect at 13 weeks gestation. She spent 31 weeks and 5 days safely in her Mommy's womb where she was cherished every second. Elly Jae has changed not only her parents and sisters lives but lives of complete strangers. Find them on Facebook, at Prayers for Little Elly Jae.


Unknown said...

So glad you found a special someone to share your life and all your girls with. Bless your family

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