The Nightmare of Childloss

by Jenna Gassew

I lost my son October 9, 2014 just four short hours after his birth. That day was filled with mixed emotions. It’s one of those days where I experienced the absolute best and the absolute worst of all moments in my life. I never knew I could have so much hate and love for one simple date, but I do. When I think about the days leading up to delivery sweet memories come to mind. We had family over to celebrate with a cake for Shane’s 39 week mark, and had spent most of that weekend at Linvilla Orchards (our favorite pumpkin patch). We enjoyed every second we had with our little boy. Through labor and delivery I was surrounded by family and friends who were all excited for me to meet my little miracle, and when I did I can tell you he was - and always will be - perfect. His sweet eyes looked right at me and that’s when I knew it was all worth it, even the goodbye. 

Those four precious hours will always be the greatest four hours of my life and I am so thankful that we were able to have him for every single second he gave us. Shane Michael Haley was born into a family who loved him and always will.

After Shane had passed I held him with me for 27 more hours making sure he was cared for and held with the utmost respect. We had family and friends meet our little boy, as well as taking many pictures. I remember I didn't want to waste any time I had holding him, so I tried staying up for most of those 27 hours and I did. I remember Dan’s uncle had stopped over and I had just sat down to take a nap holding my Shane and when he left I think I started to nap. I remember having a dream of my Shane holding him while family and friends gathered round and then in an instant someone had said to me he’s gone and then I remember being woken up by my dad and Dan telling me it’s just a dream. I woke up looked at my son in my arms and thought this is no dream he really did pass. My heart felt so cheated that it couldn't just be a nightmare and I couldn't just wake up from it. I then stayed up the rest of the time I had with Shane until I had to give him over to the funeral director, and that was a living nightmare in itself.

When I went home the next couple days people stopped over to keep us company. We finished up things for his funeral and made it through arguably the toughest days. As time moved on I had a couple friends tell me they had Shane visit them in their dreams. I loved hearing anything about Shane. I loved just being able to hear his name. I thought maybe he will visit me in my dreams soon, but he never did. All I had was that one “nightmare” in the hospital as I held his sweet little body. Until a couple days ago; I had my second dream of Shane.

I was holding him and he was still with us and he smiled. I had yelled at Dan to hurry and capture his picture and he tried but he couldn't get the picture in time. Then someone had said "he’s gone" and I woke to Dan saying,” Jenn, it’s just a dream.” I was crying, and muttered out, “This is no nightmare, this is real, we lost Shane.”

You know that moment you get after a nightmare where you catch your breath and realize it’s just a dream? Those moments where you look around and can see everything is alright? I don’t have those anymore. These past five and a half months have been anything but easy and are my own living nightmare. Some days I wish I could sit back and think it’s all just a dream but I can’t, I’m stuck in a nightmare and there is no way out.  

Losing a child is a pain that I would never wish on anyone but it is also something no one can fully understand unless they went through it themselves. I wish more than anything I could hold my sweet Shane and just tell him I love him one more time. For now, I just pray for comfort and peace and that our sweet Shane continues to watch over us. I pray no  one ever has to be stuck in this nightmare, and if they are I hope they know they are not alone.

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Jenna Gassew is from outside Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She is a graduate of Rosemont College with a degree in Mathematics. She is the mother to a beautiful little boy in heaven, Shane Michael Haley. Shane was diagnosed with Anencephaly at 13 weeks gestation. Jenna and Shane’s father, Dan, decided to create a bucket-list on which they took Shane to various places such as Phillies games, New York City, and Ocean City, Maryland. Shane was born October 9, 2014 and lived for four precious hours where he spent his whole life loved. She continues to bring awareness to Anencephaly in honor of her son. More about Jenna, Dan, and Shane’s journey can be found on  their face book page, “Prayers for Shane.”