On Gianna's First Birthday

by Christine Russo

Happy first heavenly birthday Gianna Marie

I must have written and rewritten this five times in anticipation for this day. As I sit here and try to reflect on my grief journey to date, I wonder how I made it. I go through phases of missing holding her little body so bad to periods of feeling so undoubtedly grateful for the impact she's made in our life. Both ring true, grief has been both a blessing and a curse. Grieving the loss of your child has a way of breaking you down into tiny little pieces and expecting you to pick it all back up. In that first year, are you really able to build yourself up again? 

Everyone is different, but for me, I'm still building and believe I will build for the rest of my life.

It's hard to say who I am now after our loss. Sometimes, I'm not sure who this new person is. But I'll tell you what I do know about myself;

I am a mother. A bereaved mother who has to be prepared at any moment for grief to strike.

I am grateful. I am eternally grateful that I was picked to carry our little dark haired girl for such a short time here on earth and forever in my heart.

I am vulnerable and broken. I now wear my heart on my sleeve every time I share about our daughter. Surprisingly, she comes up more than you would think in my every day life and I am all too happy to say her name, but am met with mixed reactions.

I have a weak yet strong heart. Yes, I could cry at the drop of a hat and someone could unknowingly (or unfortunately, purposely) trigger me, but I've held it together many more times during this first year than I give myself credit for. Moments I could have (and should have) lost it and Gianna kept me sane.

I am loved. By so many. Our supporters and fellow bereaved moms and dads got us through. They are my earth angels

I am a wife. A wife to my best friend and my daughter's daddy. There's no way to explain how deep our bond goes, especially after this monumental loss. All I can say is, we are one.

I am hopeful. So hopeful for brighter days and I know they are just around the corner.

My baby girl has made me a better person and created a fire in me, a passion, to stand by other bereaved parents. To help where I can and just 'be there' when there's nothing to say. She's given me so much insight on what truly matters in this world and not to sweat the small stuff because truly, so many previous strifes of mine are now so minuscule and insignificant.

She's shown us how many incredible people we have in our lives who will love her forever along with us and that's truly all we could ever ask for. For our sweet angel to be remembered and loved forever.

She is a miracle. 

Happy first heavenly birthday my sweet Gianna and thank you for all the gifts you've given your daddy and I this first year. I love you.

~ ~ ~

Christine Russo is a wife to an amazing, supportive husband, and a mommy to Angel Gianna Marie, her first child. She carried Gianna after receiving a fatal diagnosis halfway into her pregnancy. Through the love and spirit of their special daughter, who means the world to them, they wish to help support other families who have to say goodbye to a piece of their heart.