Monday, September 8, 2014

Diagnosis Day

Diagnosis Day: the worst day of my and my husband's entire lives. 

This was the day that started it all. 

This bittersweet journey of joy and deep sadness. 

All of us moms who are thrown into this journey understand all too well the devastating day of getting our precious baby's fatal diagnosis.

I remember being in complete shock at first. We went to the anatomy scan at 18 weeks expecting to find out the gender of our first, long awaited child. My husband left work early, the day before Christmas Eve, telling all his coworkers he was going to find out the gender of his baby. Little did he know the other news that awaited us that day.

We were told via Skype because the doctor wasn't in the office and they didn't want me to go somewhere else to get the news (which I'm honestly very thankful for). So you know how people say it was as though they were floating above the scene, watching themselves while going through a horrible tragedy? Well, we were quite literally watching ourselves react on the computer screen. I remember watching the words come out of her mouth "100% fatal" and I instinctively started crying this guttural, very primal cry. It was hysteria-- that's truly the only way I can describe it --and I watched the whole thing unfold on the computer screen. 

I'll never forget my face. 

It didn't even look like me.

My husband tried to be the rational one at first, pleading with the doctor. Begging her to give us an action plan to save our baby. When he finally wrapped his head around the fact that he couldn't 'fix' this, he finally gave in and sobbed on the floor with me.

We then got the news that we had originally came there to get; a girl. She was a girl.

That next week was a complete blur. We did a lot of research, prayed a TON, and relied on close family and friends to get us through those first trying weeks. 

**DISCLAIMER: not everyone is going to 'agree' with your decision. Let me tell you this very clearly-YOUR body. YOUR baby. Do not let anyone, even family, force their fears and negative emotions onto you. You are doing all you can do for your precious child. Your child matters. Your child is worthy. Regardless of diagnosis, this doesn't lower his or her worth in any way whatsoever.**

If you are going through this right now, I'm so sorry. You unfortunately share this horrible, nightmarish day with so many other mothers. And even though this day was different for each of us; whether you were alone or with your partner, whether you sat silently in shock or wailed in disbelief, whether it was in person or over the phone or even on Skype, we all survived it. Barely, but we made it through.

You made it past one of the most difficult days in this whole journey, which means you can do this. While you're carrying your precious angel and you feel you can't go on anymore, remember that day. Remember not the negative aspects of it, but that you lived until the next day with your baby, and then the next, then the next and so on. You can do this. You've already braved through more than you know <3.
~ ~ ~

Christine Russo is a wife to an amazing, supportive husband, and a mommy to Angel Gianna Marie, her first and only child. She carried Gianna after receiving a fatal diagnosis halfway into her pregnancy. Through the love and spirit of their special daughter, who means the world to them, they wish to help support other families who have to say goodbye to a piece of their heart


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