Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Dear Precious Baby

By Kayla Schacht

Dear precious baby,

Today I learned of your existence, deep inside my womb, all safe and warm. I think of all the amazing things that are to come, the first kick, first ultrasound, first sleepless night trying to get comfortable with my ever growing belly, and  -- the greatest of all -- the first time I look upon your beautiful face. I pray I can be the mommy that you deserve. That I can be patient when you decide you rather stay awake all night and sleep all day, and that I can kiss away all your owies. But most of all, I want to be your biggest cheerleader. 

Today baby I found out you were a girl, my precious little princess. But today we also found out that you are not ours to keep. Princess, there is something wrong. I don't know how to explain it as I do not understand myself. The doctors used a lot of really big words; birth defect, sever issues, quality of life and the hardest to hear “incompatible with life”. Mommy cannot kiss away your owies as they are too great and beyond repair. I long to run away and ignore all the problems but baby I know I have to stay and fight for not only you, but for me. I will have to fight against the medical field as they don't look at you as "worthy" to be given every chance and second here on earth, I will also have to fight against family and friends. Because baby, mommy choose a path not many will understand and most would not choose. I choose the path to Carry to Term, to let you live every second even if that means only when you are in my womb. The doctors say this isn't a path many choose for them, that most choose to terminate the pregnancy. But my sweet angel I could not choose that path, I could not end your life, I could not stop your heart. The path I choose will seem selfish to some that I'm prolonging the unavoidable. But I need the time to get to know you, to give myself every second I can get to shower you with a life time of love, to give you the chance to learn about your sisters, to tell you about what an amazing man your daddy is and of course to get to kiss your beautiful face and introduce you to the world you will leave shortly after you enter it. 

Today baby we went to the funeral home. One of the hardest things that I will ever have to do is to plan your birth and your death all in the same day. Princess, I want you to know that everything we are doing is because of the amazing amount of love that we have for you. You are perfect in our eyes no matter what. Our funeral director is so amazing and I know that your strength has touched him. As the doctors are surprised you are still holding on and fighting so hard even though your body is so weak. He walked us through how your funeral will be and what we need to plan. It all seems so overwhelming and I don't know if I will be strong enough to handle it. I will probably put the final plans until the last second as planning such a sad day makes everything so final. Princess, I hope your funeral turns out beautiful as it's the least I can do because, baby, you deserve the best. 

Oh my sweet little girl you have made it so far, the doctors are so amazed at your strength. But tomorrow is the day that I will finally get to see your beautiful face, kiss your sweet cheeks and cuddle you. Even though there is no way I can kiss the owies you will have better and I cannot keep you here, tomorrow will be the greatest and most heart breaking day of my life. I can't wait to see if you have your daddy's nose or my cheeks. To hold you close and smell your head. To kiss your feet. I am so scared that when it comes to say good bye I will not have the strength to let you go. I feel so cheated of so much, but blessed beyond imagination for all the time I have had with you. I feel so blessed to be your mommy; that you chose to come into my life and change it in such a great way. Princess, you are my strength without you I would not be able to be strong. You have taught me a love that I don't understand that fills my whole being. I am so proud to say that you are my daughter. While I have you here, even if it is just for seconds I will treasure it for the rest of my life. I ask that as you sit in Jesus' lap you ask him to tell you about me, ask him to tell you how your sisters drive me nuts and how your daddy dancing around singing in the mornings melts my heart. Please princess ask him to tell you all about all the amazing people you left here on earth that love you so much. Don't forget to watch over us until we can be together again.

I love you. 

-Your Biggest Cheerleader. 

~ ~ ~

Kayla Schacht is a writer from Utah. She is married to her knight in shinning armor, Bryce, and they have 5 beautiful girls. Her youngest princess lives in the clouds after living for 48 minutes after birth, all which were in her daddy's arms. Elly Jae was diagnosed with a fatal birth defect at 13 weeks gestation. She spent 31 weeks and 5 days safely in her Mommy's womb where she was cherished every second. Elly Jae has changed not only her parents and sisters lives but lives of complete strangers. Find them on Facebook, at Prayers for Little Elly Jae.


Sarah St. Onge said...

This is beautiful, Kayla! Thank you for sharing Elly Jae. <3

Anita said...

Kayla I've watched you grow from the time you were 15 and I always knew you were strong but this is superhuman strength strong. I have been through my own loss of a child as you know, but I'm not sure I could've handled this heartbreaking life challenge. I love and respect you even more now for having the courage to make sure Ellh Jae made it to this world and for having the strength to see it through. You're an amazing young woman.

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