Letters to Sadie, Rowan, Aron, and Tono

The following letters are a part of our Love Letter series. To learn more, click HERE. To read all the letters in this series, click HERE.

Letter to Sadie, from Sarah Halsey

My sweet baby Sadie, oh how I stare at your picture all day sometimes. I know your safe and happy. And I can't wait to see you again. I love you.

Letter to Rowan, from Sarah Halsey

Dear baby Rowan, (little acorn). I've gotten to know your mommy because my baby, Sadie, went to heaven too. Your mommy is so wonderful as you know. Full of love, light and kindness. She loves you so much.

~ ~ ~

Letter to Aron, from Becca JevonsTo Aron, 

I miss you. The dull ache of missing you is constant. Time has sanded down the sharp edges of pain, but the dull ache remains.

There is guilt in laughter and sadness in celebration for the simple fact that you are not here and we wish you were. Nothing will ever be complete because you are missing.

Beautiful boy, don't ever doubt how much you are loved and missed. Don't look upon the facade of family life and think that we have moved on.

I long for you, I love you, I miss you. None of that will ever change.

Mama xx

~ ~ ~

Letter to Tono, from Maygan Figueroa

My little Tono,
There is so much I want to say to you,  I never dreamed I would be doing it like this. I thought you would have a lifetime with us.

I loved you the second I found out you were coming. I was so excited that Kaylie was going to have a little brother and Ariel was going to have a son. I hoped you would look just like your Papa.

We prayed for you continually, and I prayed we would get to meet you, even if it was only minutes.  You surprised everyone including doctors by being born at 37 weeks and weighing almost 6 pounds. God was so generous and let us hold you for 24 hours when we were told we probably wouldn’t hear you breathe or cry.  You were beautiful with your olive skin, dark eyes and a head full of hair. You had 10 fingers and toes, huge feet that looked just like Papas. God answered my prayers by you being born alive and he answered Ariels by you opening your eyes. 

I love you so much I think of you constantly.  I will never forget your sweet face that I am sure smiled at me. I will always be your Mama, and I will carry you in my heart until I see you again with Jesus. 

~ ~ ~

There are more letters to come! If you would like to share a Love Letter to your baby, there's still time! Click HERE to learn how to participate. 

How is He Supposed to Love Her?

by Kayla Schacht
 
When a couple loses their child, they both change. They become people they themselves don't recognize. The grief can consume you. Looking at your partner can make you mad, angry or even sick. Mad for all the things that was taken from you both. Angry that the person you once knew inside and out is no longer the same. Sick that your partner looks so much like the child you no longer have.
 
Grief can do two things, destroy or strengthen your relationship.
 
In my case, it complete demolished my marriage.
 
Three months after my Elly gained her wings, my husband left me and our 4 living children. I was sitting in complete despair, not knowing how I could lose my princess, and then lost the only other person I thought who could love our Elly Jae. How could I expect another man to love my baby, someone he would never meet, someone he would never hold, someone he would only see in pictures? And the bigger fear that was nagging me, is that even fair to expect him to?
 
Was it fair to the person I might love in the future that I was broken in a way most will never be? Was it fair that even if I didn't mean to I would put this huge weight upon his shoulders? Was it fair that if we had future children I could never fully enjoy our pregnancy because I knew what is possible? But the most important, was it fair that I would want him to love her?
 
I cried myself to sleep many night as it seemed I've lost so much.
 
I finally opened up to another angel mommy about my greatest fear: How is "he" supposed to love her?
 
This person is wise beyond her years. She told me that I wasn't being unfair or selfish. T hat one day I would meet someone who not loved just me and my living girls, but the little girl I carried in my heart as well.
 
He would love her in a way only he could understand. He would love her because he loved me. He would love her for who she has made me. He would love her memory.
 
He would cry for what he is missing out on. He would listen to every single memory I have of her. He would see her in me, in all the small things around him. But greatest of all, h e would help me keep her memory alive.
 
I talked to Elly about these fears, and  I asked her to lead the man that would love her in that special way into my life, to watch over him until the day she could watch over us both together.
 
I never expected it to happen so soon.
 
But like I've learned Elly has her own plans and likes to have things happen at her pace.
 
As I sit here and write this, t his amazing, special person sits beside me.  He is my strength on hard days, and he never forgets to include Elly in our child count. He encourages me to remember her. He doesn't make me feel awful when I miss her so much I just break. He sees her in small things, he sees her in me, and he sees who she has made me.

When her "special" days come around or I have to do something that he knows is going to be hard for me, he gladly takes the weight upon himself and holds my hand. He is my strength through those hard times.

He loves me. He loves my beautiful earth children.

But the greatest of all...HE LOVES HER!!!

 

Sending Elly a balloon as a new family.

  ~ ~ ~

 

Kayla Schacht is a writer from Utah. Her youngest princess lives in the clouds after living for 48 minutes after birth, all which were in her daddy's arms. Elly Jae was diagnosed with a fatal birth defect at 13 weeks gestation. She spent 31 weeks and 5 days safely in her Mommy's womb where she was cherished every second. Elly Jae has changed not only her parents and sisters lives but lives of complete strangers. Find them on Facebook, at Prayers for Little Elly Jae.



My Sister Got it Right: Thoughts on "Happy Birthday"

guest post by MaryJo Carlson (grandmother to Samuel)

~ ~ ~

Today is my daughter's birthday.

My daughter whose baby died. 

She carried him with all her love while he was here. 

Words have become so very much more important since our Samuel left this earth. With each passing day I have learned that lesson more and more. 

Have you thought about it? 

Think of all the holidays and events that we recognize as a people - they start with joy filled words like Merry and Happy. Those words now sting, especially for her. Her heart is still not to a place where it is merry or happy about a holiday or a special event. It just doesn't have the same meaning it did before he died. 

Samuel is always missing from those events. 

He should have been big enough now that he would be the one saying with a great big grin - and I'm certain some jumping up and down -  "Happy Birthday mama!" I can almost imagine that he and daddy would have gone secretly shopping for a special gift that would melt my daughter's heart (my son-in-law is really good at that). And then Samuel would have held behind his back his special treasure bursting with pride and uncontrollable excitement. 

The day should have been filled with squeals and laughter and hugs and kisses. But it's not. Because someone is missing along with a big piece of her heart. 

Today I've seen people saying "Happy Birthday" to my daughter on Facebook. I read the though comments and thought of how Samuel is missing and how "happy" doesn't seem right. (Although I know that "Happy Birthday" is simply our way of acknowledging the special day and by no means a hurtful thing to say!)

Then I came to me sister's comment. She got it right with her words. She said "Thinking of you on this special day, with love". Not happy birthday, hope you have an amazing day! For now those words still sting. Maybe they always will and that's ok because she really, really wanted Samuel to stay.

Now that I know the ache of missing my grandson, and watching my daughter live without him, I've learned to choose my words with extra love and care. 

You know why my sister got it right? Because she knows - a part of her heart is missing too - her daughter Kalyn died. She knows how the days that should have been Happy and Merry are now forever changed. 

So, today, on yet another day that's not how it's supposed to be for my daughter, her husband, and us, I say to her, not "I hope it's the best day ever!" because that's not possible, but instead, "I love you, I celebrate you, and I miss your beautiful boy with you today". I can say "Happy Birthday" too, and know that she knows exactly what I mean. 

~ ~ ~

MaryJo Carlson and her husband David have five children. Their oldest daughter is RaeAnne Fredrickson who started All That Love Can Do in memory of her beautiful son Samuel Evan. MaryJo is a stay at home mom and grandma who now spends her time finding ways to bring light and encouragement to others who have had to say goodbye to their precious grandbabies way too soon.

2015 Love Letters

Coming soon!

We will be hosting Love Letters again this year, beginning February 9th, 2015.

Anyone who loves and misses a child who died, or a baby who is currently being carried with a fatal condition, is welcome to participate!

What are Love Letters?
A love note written to a very special baby (or babies) who died, or who is being carried with a fatal diagnosis. It can be a few words, or several paragraphs. Whatever feels right to you.

Who can participate?
Mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents, friends, family, whomever! Anyone who holds a very special baby in their heart.

What do I do?
Take some time to sit down and write a note to the baby. What would you like to say to him or her? It can be simple, "I love you and miss you so much!" or anything more you've been wanting to say. Let your/the baby know how much he/she is LOVED.

Send your Love Letter in a private message to the All That Love Can Do Facebook page HERE. You may include a photos, if you'd like.

Your letter will be posted on this blog, and the All That Love Can Do Facebook page during the week of February 9th - 13th.

To read letters from last year, click HERE.
Each baby may have multiple letters from anyone who wishes to participate, but only one letter per person.

If you have any question, you can send a message to the All That Love Can Do Facebook page HERE.
We look forward to seeing lots of LOVE this coming week!

Welcome to the Club

by Alex Hopper

You’ve just joined the club. The club that no one wants to, yet so many are forced to join. It is an exclusive, life-time club for members only with one non-negotiable condition. The condition: your child has died. Unless you are in the club, you don’t even realize it exists. It is on your subconscious list of “worst case scenarios” that will never happen to you, only to others. Until one day you become an “other”. You are forcibly ripped from your “everything works out in the end” world and submerged in the cold truth of “sometimes it doesn’t” reality.

Once initiated, you may experience: uncontrollable crying, loss of words, physical pain, trouble breathing, irrational fears, insomnia, social anxiety, jealousy, disillusionment, fear, sadness, anger, paranoia, depression, insanity, shock, numbness, or all of the above. One of the first things you learn is that no holds are barred. Anything goes. There is no rhyme or reason, no order or organization. Time becomes irrelevant. Your mind can replay in exact detail any moment and yet you can’t remember what day it is. You become the ultimate multi-tasker. Your mind is on a constant loop of the life and death of your child. At first, it is in the forefront, and everything else is optional. At some point, it will switch, as the demands of the world force you out. You will resume your responsibilities, but with a different frame of mind. Everything is suddenly in
perspective, and your outlook is more “big picture”. In certain ways, this is a gift. You are no longer plagued by the minutia.

You will get a new pair of eyes, eyes that are permanently fitted with a “my child died” lens. Everything you see and encounter will be filtered through this. Everyday you will have a choice. You can go to either end of the spectrum. The two extremes are compassion or condemnation. You will probably alternate between the two on a daily basis. Your heart, which has been ripped open, will feel more, love more, care more but will also get hurt more. People will arrange themselves into two categories: supportive or not-supportive, which is basically present or not-present. But the categories are ever shifting, as people will move from one to the other and back again. You will find that only those in the club can truly understand. Although you are all different and may have nothing else in common, you know how it feels to have your heart shattered. This
club, of broken hearts, will support you when no one else will. They will allow you to vent, allow you to reminisce. Your grief won’t make them uncomfortable because even though grief is very personal, you will see common threads that make you feel less alone. And although you wish this group didn’t exist, and that no one else would endure this pain, you are thankful for it.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Alex Hopper is a writer in North Carolina. She is married to her beloved, Trent, and mommy to her angel, Cyrus. Cyrus was diagnosis with a fatal birth defect in the womb at 12 weeks. He was carried with love until he was born at 33 weeks on November 25, 2013. He lived for 1 hour and 9 minutes. His life was short, but his legacy lives on.

More Than Enough

by Bethany Conkel

I did not know what to expect or even what to hope for. All I knew is I wanted our time together to be perfect. I wanted to fit a lifetime of memories into one day, knowing that was probably all we would get.

I worried and wondered.

I planned and prayed.

I quietly questioned.

I had meetings and created documents to ensure everything would be just so. I did my best to fight for you! I wanted to make sure if you only felt one thing, that it would be my love.

What I didn’t know, sweetheart, was the fact that I did not have to try to create perfection. You were already perfect and nothing else would matter. The moment they placed you in my arms my heart was filled to overflowing. Everything but you seemed to fade into the distance. My plans, my worries, my questions… all of them were gone. 

It was just you. 

As I gazed at you, joy permeated my being. You were so much more than I could have ever imagined, hoped for, or expected.

I thought I would have to fight for the chance to let you feel my love. Looking back, I know you already HAD felt my love long before you were ever placed in my arms! And on that day, love is all you ever felt. Love enveloped us both, uniting us as mother and child.

I thought having the day mapped out and choreographed would ensure that I could have memories to cherish down the road. But, the fact is, each moment I held you in my arms is a memory that will forever be embedded on my heart. Feeling you on my chest, holding your hand in mine, and looking at your sweet face are things that I treasure far beyond anything that I could have planned or created. Taking snapshots in my mind of family and friends loving on you far exceeded the activities I thought were necessary to preserve the day.

Although my plans made some things simpler, and while I do love the physical items that were created to remember you by, the fact is those things were just extras. 

You, my love, were more than enough!


Dear Momma –

As you carry your baby, I encourage you, please plan and prepare. Doing so is both healthy and helpful. But as you do so, keep in mind, on that day, your baby will be more than enough! Enjoy the time leading up to your delivery; do not get caught up in the stress of trying to make things perfect. Once your little one is in your arms the rest will just be minor details. Plan to love your baby, plan to be smitten with his smile, plan to get caught up in each moment she is with you. Cherish your time together – whether that is minutes, hours, or days – soak in each moment. Looking back, you will realize you have some amazing moments to treasure the rest of your life.

With Care –
Amalya’s Momma

~ ~ ~

Bethany Conkel lives in Ohio and is married to her wonderful husband, Eric. She is the mommy to two amazing children – one who is in heaven, the other here on earth. Bethany carried her precious son, Amalya Nathaniel (meaning: “work of the Lord”, “given by God”) to term after receiving the diagnosis of anencephaly when she was 11 weeks pregnant. Amalya lived for 1 hour and 20 minutes before taking hold of the Lord’s hand. After he passed, his liver, pancreas, and whole body were donated to scientific research. Bethany has since created a website about neonatal organ, tissue, and whole body donation called Purposeful Gift to help other families explore the option of donation. She is also a certified Birth and Bereavement Doula through Stillbirthday.com and serves with Sufficient Grace Ministries.

I Labored Too

by Christine Russo

I've begun to notice something with stillbirth and fatal diagnoses; people tend to assume we don't labor. I'm not sure what it is or why people think that if your precious angel has died in the womb or has a small chance of survival, we as mamas don't have to go through labor. Many assume or forget and speak about labor as if you haven't experienced it or give advice for labor on a subsequent pregnancy.

Now I don't blame anyone whatsoever for this thought process because yes, it does seem cruel or horrific for a mother to go through the pains and hardships of labor when her precious baby has died or may die soon after birth. This is just a belief that would make sense and for someone who has never experienced the horror of losing a child or been close to someone who has, it's a comfortable thought. It makes things seem less messy. It makes things just a tiny bit 'easier' to believe. At one point, I read by another child-loss mama that people think it is a clean, surgical procedure. I'm here to tell you, it's anything but clean and easy. All of us who have experienced this can vouch for that and just like any other mom, we each had a very different birth, none of which were anywhere close to 'easy'.

My birth with Gianna lasted five days. Thankfully, the hospital staff was absolutely incredible and actually picked up shifts/worked doubles so the same ones could stay with us throughout our birth. Now THAT'S compassion! They honored my wishes to keep things as natural as possible through the whole process and let me labor in the shower, on the birthing ball, go take a walk, or keep the lights dimmed with relaxing music. Not to mention my wonderful doula teaching my eager husband how to apply counter pressure on my lower back during the worst of my contractions (I had dreadful back labor!). I could truly go on for hours about my birth experience with Gianna, but one thing is sure, once she was here, everything was ok in that moment.

She arrived quietly into the world, butt first, to the background piano music of Ave Maria, one of my favorite songs.

Even though I had an amazing support team (which not every mama is blessed with, unfortunately), it was the most grueling days of my life. Not because of the physical pains of labor, but the mental aspect. The first night, after the news of her passing, was the hardest emotionally. Even when we know our baby has a life-limiting condition, it doesn't make his or her passing any easier-not in the slightest.

I am birthing my dead baby.

That's the reality.

But you should remember that this is something you and your precious angel will conquer together. Another experience, a memory, you have as a mother and child. You can speak to your baby, even if he or she has already passed. Find comfort in knowing your angel can hear you from somewhere. I spoke with Gianna when I was alone laboring in the shower at the hospital after she already passed. It gave me so much peace to spend that quality time with my baby in my womb right before she was born.

And if you're blessed with precious time with your angel here on earth, cherish every moment. Even if it's just a few minutes.

Just know dear, sweet mama, that we understand the pains of labor you are about to endure when your child comes. We understand the agony of birthing your beautiful child who will pass shortly after birth, or a special angel who has passed warm in his or her mothers womb. I'm not here to tell you it'll be easy or clean or quick or simple. Unfortunately, it'll be anything but. Aside from all the hardship, we can embrace our birth journey. We can embrace every pain, every feeling. Above all else, we can embrace the time we get (which includes time that your darling baby is comfortable in your womb).

We gave birth, and it was grueling, painful, emotional, draining, and absolutely, positively, breathtakingly beautiful.

~ ~ ~

Christine Russo is a wife to an amazing, supportive husband, and a mommy to Angel Gianna Marie, her first child. She carried Gianna after receiving a fatal diagnosis halfway into her pregnancy. Through the love and spirit of their special daughter, who means the world to them, they wish to help support other families who have to say goodbye to a piece of their heart.