Tonight, I Weep

by Bethany Conkel

I stood quietly to the side as I watched the momma tenderly stroke her baby’s head and lean over to kiss her cheek. She was so loving and gentle. Pain gripped my heart. They had done everything right. The baby was alone, on her back, in the crib. Yet, doing it “right” did not change the fact that they still lost her.

Hot tears swelled in my eyes as I directed the grandparents where to stand for pictures. “Grandma, place your hand right here. Okay, Grandpa, lean down and give her a kiss… Yes, that’s perfect” The words sounded so very wrong as they left my lips. Grandparents should not have to be getting pictures like these taken.

I gently slid a tiny beaded bracelet onto the baby girl’s wrist and placed an angel ornament in her hand, then held medical wires that were still attached out of the way for the photographer. Next I carefully positioned a frilly pink headband just off center on the sweet girl’s forehead, framing her precious face. Although she was gone, she still had a glow about her and was simply beautiful. Then it was time for prints, I tenderly cleaned the baby’s feet and added ink to each toe hoping to capture the perfect footprint, something special for her momma to cherish down the road.

Leaving the hospital that night thoughts and emotions collided in my mind as they swirled out of control…

~Why hadn’t words come easier? Why didn’t I say this instead of that? Would it have mattered even if I had said the perfect thing? I wish I could have taken away their pain. 

And, although I know that would not have been possible, guilt clung to me like a heavy coat.

~I should have gotten more hand prints. Will the ones I got be enough? Maybe I should have used a different color ink. Does it realllllly even matter? If I had gotten 100 perfect prints it would not have made things easier.

~She had done everything right. SO many of us had done everything right (prenatals, no alcohol, the perfect foods, lots of sleep, exercise…), and yet, so many of us still had to say goodbye. I guess doing it “right” doesn’t always matter. Sometimes death still comes when we least expect it.

~Maybe I should have taken more pictures of x,y, and z. Should I offer to go back and get more?

~Why does this situation seem so much harder than my own journey with Amalya? Was it the unexpected and suddenness of the loss? Oh, how thankful I felt in that moment for the time I was given to prepare to say goodbye. Yet it still hurts that either of us had to say goodbye at all.

That night sleep eluded me for the longest time. I continued to think of this momma holding her baby girl for one of the last.times.ever. I remembered that feeling and how much it hurt. I thought of all my loss momma friends and how that pain still haunts so many of us.

Mommas, even as I write this, several days later, my heart is heavy. I don’t have answers. I don’t have words of wisdom or comfort. All I can say is sometimes this journey is just gut wrenchingly painful. I believe that we have been called to bear each other’s burdens and to “weep with those who weep”. So, tonight I weep with this momma. I weep with you. I weep for the mommas who will join us on this journey in the future. I pray that eventually peace and healing will come. But, tonight… I just weep.

~ ~ ~

Sufficient Grace Ministries provides bereavement support for families suffering the loss of not only a baby, but a child up to age 2. Bethany had the opportunity to walk with this family and provide support through SGM.

~ ~ ~

Bethany Conkel lives in Ohio and is married to her wonderful husband, Eric. She is the mommy to two amazing children – one who is in heaven, the other here on earth. Bethany carried her precious son, Amalya Nathaniel (meaning: “work of the Lord”, “given by God”) to term after receiving the diagnosis of anencephaly when she was 11 weeks pregnant. Amalya lived for 1 hour and 20 minutes before taking hold of the Lord’s hand. After he passed, his liver, pancreas, and whole body were donated to scientific research. Bethany has since created a website about neonatal organ, tissue, and whole body donation called Purposeful Gift to help other families explore the option of donation. She is also a certified Birth and Bereavement Doula through Stillbirthday.com and serves with Sufficient Grace Ministries.

Truths of the Journey

By Bethany Conkel

Dear Brave Momma and Poppa,

I’m sitting here today thinking of you. I call you “brave” because I know you are walking a journey you never asked to walk – a journey you probably never even dreamed of walking – yet here you are. I imagine you might be muddling through the best you can, doing what you need to do to keep your head above water. Some days are good, other days are horrid.

Navigating this seemingly endless road is so complex. At times it can be dark, overwhelming, and gut-wrenchingly painful. Other times it can be filled with joy, pure love, and beauty. Although you are willing to move forward each day out of love for your baby, it does not change the difficulty level or the weariness that sometimes comes. Despite this, you still continue to move forward. This is why you are brave.

Each journey is unique and filled with different challenges as well as surprise blessings. And, each stage of your journey, from newly diagnosed, to carrying your baby, to saying hello and goodbye, to keeping your sweet one’s memory alive after they are gone, has its own set of highs, lows, and obstacles.

Sadly, as you walk this road, not only are you going to be faced with the internal struggle of navigating this ever evolving path, but you will also be met with something else unexpected – the judgment of others. This is not something that is often talked about openly or addressed. We want to think that the people around us are going to be kind, loving, and supportive. We want to believe that society is going to embrace this new journey along with us. After all, we live in a world that preaches “tolerance” and “acceptance” – yet those concepts do not always apply to the “taboo” that is our reality.

Although you will find that many will live up to the expectation of kindness and understanding that we hope for, not everyone is going to understand the love you have for your baby. People you expect to offer support may fail you. People you thought were your friends may vanish. People you love dearly may question your choices. Total strangers may say hurtful or nasty things to you out of ignorance (this is especially true if you share your journey publicly). Some people will never understand the approach you have chosen to take. Many will never be able to FULLY comprehend that you are doing your best to parent your little one during an impossible situation. Others will never grasp that you are truly making each choice out of pure love for your precious baby.

As you encounter these people, please know that during this journey, the seed of love that you have for your baby, planted deep in your heart, will grow and take root. As it does, it will provide stability and strength for you. It will create a layer of protection from the hurtful people, and keep the people who truly love you and your baby close. This seed of love is what keeps you moving forward despite the roadblocks and hurdles.

Oh, dear sweet Momma and Pappa, I want to encourage you – KEEP LOVING YOUR BABY! Keep making the choices you know are best for your little one. Stand strong in the approach you have decided to take as a family. YOU are the BEST parent this little one could possibly have. Regardless of what others say or do, know that YOU are the best advocate, voice, and protection for your little one. As hard as it is, tune out the negative people. Allow people to walk away if they are unable to understand your choices. Embrace those who are willing to show you love and support. Focus on the people who have come alongside you, and who are willing to celebrate the amazing little person you have chosen to treasure. Overlook the nasty comments when they come, and re-read the ones that are overflowing with words of blessing.

Yes, this journey is complex. No, you never asked to be here. But, since you must brave this road…continue to love your little one fiercely!

From my heart to yours,

Bethany

~ ~ ~

Bethany Conkel lives in Ohio and is married to her wonderful husband, Eric. She is the mommy to two amazing children – one who is in heaven, the other here on earth. Bethany carried her precious son, Amalya Nathaniel (meaning: “work of the Lord”, “given by God”) to term after receiving the diagnosis of anencephaly when she was 11 weeks pregnant. Amalya lived for 1 hour and 20 minutes before taking hold of the Lord’s hand. After he passed, his liver, pancreas, and whole body were donated to scientific research. Bethany has since created a website about neonatal organ, tissue, and whole body donation called Purposeful Gift to help other families explore the option of donation. She is also a certified Birth and Bereavement Doula through Stillbirthday.com and serves with Sufficient Grace Ministries.

More Than Enough

by Bethany Conkel

I did not know what to expect or even what to hope for. All I knew is I wanted our time together to be perfect. I wanted to fit a lifetime of memories into one day, knowing that was probably all we would get.

I worried and wondered.

I planned and prayed.

I quietly questioned.

I had meetings and created documents to ensure everything would be just so. I did my best to fight for you! I wanted to make sure if you only felt one thing, that it would be my love.

What I didn’t know, sweetheart, was the fact that I did not have to try to create perfection. You were already perfect and nothing else would matter. The moment they placed you in my arms my heart was filled to overflowing. Everything but you seemed to fade into the distance. My plans, my worries, my questions… all of them were gone. 

It was just you. 

As I gazed at you, joy permeated my being. You were so much more than I could have ever imagined, hoped for, or expected.

I thought I would have to fight for the chance to let you feel my love. Looking back, I know you already HAD felt my love long before you were ever placed in my arms! And on that day, love is all you ever felt. Love enveloped us both, uniting us as mother and child.

I thought having the day mapped out and choreographed would ensure that I could have memories to cherish down the road. But, the fact is, each moment I held you in my arms is a memory that will forever be embedded on my heart. Feeling you on my chest, holding your hand in mine, and looking at your sweet face are things that I treasure far beyond anything that I could have planned or created. Taking snapshots in my mind of family and friends loving on you far exceeded the activities I thought were necessary to preserve the day.

Although my plans made some things simpler, and while I do love the physical items that were created to remember you by, the fact is those things were just extras. 

You, my love, were more than enough!


Dear Momma –

As you carry your baby, I encourage you, please plan and prepare. Doing so is both healthy and helpful. But as you do so, keep in mind, on that day, your baby will be more than enough! Enjoy the time leading up to your delivery; do not get caught up in the stress of trying to make things perfect. Once your little one is in your arms the rest will just be minor details. Plan to love your baby, plan to be smitten with his smile, plan to get caught up in each moment she is with you. Cherish your time together – whether that is minutes, hours, or days – soak in each moment. Looking back, you will realize you have some amazing moments to treasure the rest of your life.

With Care –
Amalya’s Momma

~ ~ ~

Bethany Conkel lives in Ohio and is married to her wonderful husband, Eric. She is the mommy to two amazing children – one who is in heaven, the other here on earth. Bethany carried her precious son, Amalya Nathaniel (meaning: “work of the Lord”, “given by God”) to term after receiving the diagnosis of anencephaly when she was 11 weeks pregnant. Amalya lived for 1 hour and 20 minutes before taking hold of the Lord’s hand. After he passed, his liver, pancreas, and whole body were donated to scientific research. Bethany has since created a website about neonatal organ, tissue, and whole body donation called Purposeful Gift to help other families explore the option of donation. She is also a certified Birth and Bereavement Doula through Stillbirthday.com and serves with Sufficient Grace Ministries.

A Season of Sweet Memories

By Bethany Conkel

As I drove down the road today it was clear that here in the Midwest fall is upon us. Trees are starting to change color, the temperature is getting cool, and a sweet smell dances in the air.

I personally love fall in every way, but as the seasons change it is also a vivid reminder that time moves on.

This can be a harsh reality for those of us who continue to live life with a baby in our heart instead of in our arms. As the change of season greets you, perhaps you are also greeted by memories of your precious little one. Maybe you will celebrate your child’s birthday and heaven day during the fall. Or you might find yourself reliving a fond memory of being pregnant during this beautiful season. Perhaps you will find it difficult not to imagine picking out that Halloween costume for your sweet baby like you had hoped and planned on or watching your little one play in a pumpkin patch.

As these thoughts, feelings, and memories swirl inside your head, it can be difficult not to feel alone. Often, it is hard to explain how the change of seasons can trigger such strong emotions to those who have never experienced a loss directly. And, although it is good that others do not understand, it can make it difficult to connect, leaving a feeling of isolation.

But, Sweet Momma, I want you to reassure you, you are NOT ALONE! There are so very many of us who have walked this road. So very many of us who are experiencing similar feelings. So very many of us are reliving memories, or are grieving the loss of memories that will never be made. I urge you, please do not live in a place of isolation this fall. Instead, reach out to another loss momma. Share a cup of coffee or cider and remember your babies together. Open up that messaging tab in Facebook and shoot over a quick note to let another loss momma let you know you are thinking of her. Post a comment in a loss group and share what is on your heart. Let’s celebrate the memory of our babies together this fall instead of walking through this season alone.

This week is the start of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and although it is often used as a platform to tell the world about our babies, I think it is a way for us as loss moms to unite. So, my challenge for you this month is to connect with another loss momma in a new way. Form a new friendship and remember your sweet little ones together this fall. Embrace the memories you have, and maybe create new ones together in honor of your babies.

Together we are strong. Together we will can make this a beautiful season of sweet memories shared about the ones forever in our hearts.

 ~ ~ ~

 

Bethany Conkel lives in Ohio and is married to her wonderful husband, Eric. She is the mommy to two amazing children – one who is in heaven, the other here on earth. Bethany carried her precious son, Amalya Nathaniel (meaning: “work of the Lord”, “given by God”) to term after receiving the diagnosis of anencephaly when she was 11 weeks pregnant. Amalya lived for 1 hour and 20 minutes before taking hold of the Lord’s hand. After he passed, his liver, pancreas, and whole body were donated to scientific research. Bethany has since created a website about neonatal organ, tissue, and whole body donation called Purposeful Gift to help other families explore the option of donation. She is also a certified Birth and Bereavement Doula through Stillbirthday.com and serves with Sufficient Grace Ministries

Chosen

By Bethany Conkel

He came to her in the quiet of the night for He saw her broken heart.

“Lord,” she cried, “I don’t understand. My baby is precious to me and I love him so. Why does it have to be like this?”

“My child,” He said with a low tender voice, “I have created this baby with a special purpose, one too great to understand on this earth.”

“But Lord, why me? My heart is broken.”

“Because, I have chosen you. I've chosen you to love and care for this special child when others may not. I know you will nurture and protect him for his short time on this earth. You will keep his memory alive long after he has returned to me. I have chosen you to foster this little one on my behalf. Will you accept this sacred task?”

Her heart was heavy and the pain throbbed deep but, with great love and resolve, she choked back tears and whispered, “Yes.”

So, she carried the little one inside her. She nurtured him, protected him, and told him all about the world. She made sweet memories and loved him as her own, all the time knowing one day soon she would return him to the Lord.

The day finally arrived when she would meet this precious one face-to-face. The day when she would say hello and goodbye to this child she was chosen to care for ever so briefly. Her heart swelled with pride and she beamed with joy as she held him close. She kissed his sweet cheeks and held his tiny hand. He was perfect! She nurtured him, protected him, and told him about the world. She made sweet memories and loved him as her own with every ounce of her being.

Then, in a fleeting moment, she knew it was time. Time for him to return to the Lord. Hot tears ran down her face. She held him tight and watched him go.

Her heart was heavy, the pain throbbed deep, and the Lord came to her once again for He saw her broken heart.

“Thank you, my child, you have mothered him well. His time, though it was brief, has had an impact as deep as the throb in your heart. Now it is My turn to nurture and protect him, and tell him about the world.”

She sat silent, tears flooding the floor.

He held her close and whispered in her ear, “Keep his sweet memory alive and tell all you know about this child you fostered and the sacred task I chose you for.”

With an even greater love and endless resolve, she answered, “Yes, for all of my days until I return to you, and get to hold him again.”

So she nurtured and protected the sweet memories she had of him. For the rest of her days she told the world about her boy, the one she fostered for the Lord and loved as her own.

~ ~ ~
 

Bethany Conkel lives in Ohio and is married to her wonderful husband, Eric. She is the mommy to two amazing children – one who is in heaven, the other here on earth. Bethanycarried her precious son, Amalya Nathaniel (meaning: “work of the Lord”, “given by God”) to term after receiving the diagnosis of anencephaly when she was 11 weeks pregnant. Amalya lived for 1 hour and 20 minutes before taking hold of the Lord’s hand. After he passed, his liver, pancreas, and whole body were donated to scientific research.Bethany has since created a website about neonatal organ, tissue, and whole body donation called Purposeful Gift to help other families explore the option of donation. She is also a certified Birth and Bereavement Doula through Stillbirthday.com and serves withSufficient Grace Ministries

I Didn't Know

by Bethany Conkel

I didn’t know he would steal my heart.

I didn’t know my arms would never be the same after holding him.

I didn’t know that his image would be imprinted in my mind forever.

I didn’t know that a hint of his fragrance would bring me right back to that moment when they placed him on my chest.

I didn’t know that so many things would make me think of him.

I didn’t know I would miss him so much after having such a short time with him.

I didn’t know that he would make me more compassionate and loving.

I didn’t know that he would allow me to love his father even more.

I didn’t know he would make me a better mother.

I didn’t know he would change the way I viewed the loss of a loved one.

I didn’t know that he would inspire me to help others walking this road.

I didn’t know he would allow me to have deeper friendships.

I didn’t know he would teach me to not take things for granted.

I didn’t know his existence would encourage me to become educated on topics I didn’t even know existed before he came along.

I didn’t know that he would have a mighty, mighty, impact on this world.

I didn’t know that others’ lives would be saved because of him.

I didn’t know he would be loved by so many people.

I didn’t know that he would give me something to rejoice over and be thankful for.

I didn’t know that he would teach me how joy can permeate sorrow.

I didn’t know he would be worth every moment of pain and heartache.

I didn’t know I could (or would) love him so deeply.

I didn’t know my life would be forever changed.

I just didn’t know…

I was asked why I didn’t end my pregnancy if I already KNEW what would happen…

The fact is I DIDN’T KNOW. And, if I had ended my pregnancy because of what I thought I KNEW, I would have never truly KNOWN…

~ ~ ~

Bethany Conkel lives in Ohio and is married to her wonderful husband, Eric. She is the mommy to two amazing children – one who is in heaven, the other here on earth. Bethany carried her precious son, Amalya Nathaniel (meaning: “work of the Lord”, “given by God”) to term after receiving the diagnosis of anencephaly when she was 11 weeks pregnant. Amalya lived for 1 hour and 20 minutes before taking hold of the Lord’s hand. After he passed, his liver, pancreas, and whole body were donated to scientific research. Bethany has since created a website about neonatal organ, tissue, and whole body donation called Purposeful Gift to help other families explore the option of donation. She is also a certified Birth and Bereavement Doula through Stillbirthday.com and serves with Sufficient Grace Ministries.

12 Days of Christmas: Day Ten

Welcome to Day Ten of the All That Love Can Do 12 Days of Christmas! You can read all about this online event HERE. If you'd like to catch up on all the posts from this event, you can find them HERE. 

Facing the holidays without your baby, or when you know your baby's life is going to be short, is overwhelmingly hard. Please, above all else, be gentle with yourself. 

If you'd like to connect with other loss families facing the holidays without their children, you can join the private group on Facebook, HERE. 

We hope you find peace and healing in the days to come <3.

~ ~ ~

Day Ten, 
by Bethany Conkel

Unlike most people, Christmas has never been my favorite time of year. I’m not sure why. I’m always happy when Christmas is over and things go back to “normal”. After I got a positive pregnancy test in early 2012, I remember actually getting excited about Christmas for the first time since I was a girl. Somehow knowing that we would have a little one with us changed my perspective and I was actually excited for the holidays even though we were nowhere close to the Christmas season. I pictured myself and husband sitting with our 3month old in front of the fire opening gifts. It was going to be wonderful.

Then… everything changed. 

We learned that our sweet baby wasn’t going to stay. He would only be earth-side for a short time. That brief 80 minutes in September, although it was wonderful, sure didn’t include Christmas.

As the holidays approached that year, I began to dread them. My daydream of a happy Christmas morning with our little family sitting by the fire mocked me. I cried as I looked at the advertisements for little footie Christmas pajamas. I changed the channel when Christmas commercials came on. I refused to decorate. I only went to family gatherings out of obligation, and I remember quietly slipping away more than once to be alone because I just couldn’t handle it.

So, how did I survive? 

Besides taking things one day at a time, I kept my expectations low, and made the choice to try and enjoy what I could and let myself cry when I could not. I also went out of my way that year to incorporate my sweet boy as much as possible. We hung a stocking for him at my in-laws’ house. We framed his hand and foot prints and gave them as gifts to a few family members. We gave each of his grandparents a special ornament that we made the day he was born. 

I shared a special Christmas cookie “with him” at his memorial stone in the garden. I also made special Christmas bundles for the organization that helped us with his organ donation.

To be honest, I can’t say I enjoyed that Christmas, but I can say I survived. I can also say the next Christmas was a little easier, and this Christmas is looking like it will be better than the last. Although I wasn’t able to hold my little one in my arms in front of a fire that year like I had hoped, I was able to hold him in my heart, which, if he can’t be in my arms, that is where I want him to be.

So, if you are like me and not really a Christmas-lover, I will encourage you by saying things will go back to “normal” (or at least your “new normal”) without the added stress of The Season. Christmas won’t last forever. Do what you can to incorporate the memory of your little one, find joy where you can, and when you can’t know that it is okay. Hold your little one close to your heart and know that you are not alone. 

~ ~ ~

Bethany Conkel lives in Ohio and is married to her wonderful husband, Eric. She is the mommy to two amazing children – one who is in heaven, the other here on earth. Bethany carried her precious son, Amalya Nathaniel (meaning: “work of the Lord”, “given by God”) to term after receiving the diagnosis of anencephaly when she was 11 weeks pregnant. Amalya lived for 1 hour and 20 minutes before taking hold of the Lord’s hand. After he passed, his liver, pancreas, and whole body were donated to scientific research.Bethany has since created a website about neonatal organ, tissue, and whole body donation called Purposeful Gift to help other families explore the option of donation. She is also a certified Birth and Bereavement Doula through Stillbirthday.com and serves withSufficient Grace Ministries

A Gift for Mother's Day

by Bethany Conkel

I was not expecting to find myself in the card aisle at our local grocery store. I was just trying to kill a little time and ended up there by mistake. It’s not an area of the store I tend to frequent. 

As I walked through, Mother’s Day cards seemed to jump off the rack. 

I briefly glanced at a card with characters from Disney’s 101 Dalmatians on it. A cute love note to mom was written in a clever ditty.  In that moment, I couldn’t help but wonder what type of card my son would have given me this year. Would it have been handmade with brightly colored scribbles or store bought with his favorite cartoon character printed on the card? Would he have given me a flower planted clumsily in a pot, or would he have helped to make breakfast-in-bed for me? 

It’s been 3-1/2 years since my son was born and passed all on the same day. Although it has been several years, I still wonder sometimes what he would have been like and what life my life would look like with him in it. What would my Mother’s Day turn out to be like with a 3-1/2-year-old little boy running around?

As I walked out of the aisle, I felt sad that I will never get a card from my son. I will never get to cherish a special Mother’s Day gift from him. As I continued to work my way through the store, I realized something. Although I will never get a physical gift from my son, he has still given me a gift. MANY GIFTS, in fact. 

The first gift my son gave me was the gift of motherhood. My sweet boy was my firstborn and made me a mother. Although the time I had to mother him in my arms was short, I still get to mother his memory daily! I will be forever thankful to him for making me a mother. 

My son also gave me the gift of empathy. Before saying hello and goodbye to my son, I never understood the loss of a baby. I had met a few bereaved mothers, and honestly never understood why the pain lingered, even years later. Now I know. Now I understand. Now I am able to connect with bereaved mothers, support them, and empathize with their feelings. 

My son gave me the gift of knowledge. Before receiving a terminal diagnosis for my son, I never knew families even faced such things. I had never heard of anencephaly, trisomy 18 or 13, limb body wall complex, or Potter’s syndrome. I did not know things like perinatal hospice, bereavement doulas, or neonatal organ donation even existed. Although learning about these things has been difficult, receiving the gift of knowledge about this world has changed my outlook on life and allowed me to help others in new ways. 

My son gave me the gift of friendship. I cannot even count the number of people I have met, connections I have made, and friendships I have forged because of my son. Some friendships are so deep that I feel like I gained extended family members.  I have met some truly incredible people, and my life has been enriched in so many ways because of them. Had it not been for my son, I never would have met these amazing individuals. 

My son has taught me that life is both fragile and precious, and it should be embraced -- a lesson that I very much view as a gift.  

Although my son isn’t here to give me a special hand-crafted bobble to place on my desk, or a beautifully colored picture to hang on my refrigerator, he continues to bless my heart and give to me in so many ways. His life has helped shape who I currently am as a person and continues to influence who I will become. This Mother’s Day, I am going to be thankful for the many gifts my son has given me. 

If you are a bereaved mother, I hope this Mother’s Day will be gentle for you. I encourage you to look for some special gifts that your little one has given you. I hope you are able to find something amazing. 

~ ~ ~

Bethany Conkel lives in Ohio and is married to her wonderful husband, Eric. She is the mommy to two amazing children – one who is in heaven, the other here on earth. Bethany carried her precious son, Amalya Nathaniel (meaning: “work of the Lord”, “given by God”) to term after receiving the diagnosis of anencephaly when she was 11 weeks pregnant. Amalya lived for 1 hour and 20 minutes before taking hold of the Lord’s hand. After he passed, his liver, pancreas, and whole body were donated to scientific research. Bethany has since created a website about neonatal organ, tissue, and whole body donation called Purposeful Gift to help other families explore the option of donation. She is also a certified Birth and Bereavement Doula through Stillbirthday.com and serves with Sufficient Grace Ministries.