Tuesday, January 20, 2015

More Than Enough

by Bethany Conkel

I did not know what to expect or even what to hope for. All I knew is I wanted our time together to be perfect. I wanted to fit a lifetime of memories into one day, knowing that was probably all we would get.

I worried and wondered.

I planned and prayed.

I quietly questioned.

I had meetings and created documents to ensure everything would be just so. I did my best to fight for you! I wanted to make sure if you only felt one thing, that it would be my love.

What I didn’t know, sweetheart, was the fact that I did not have to try to create perfection. You were already perfect and nothing else would matter. The moment they placed you in my arms my heart was filled to overflowing. Everything but you seemed to fade into the distance. My plans, my worries, my questions… all of them were gone. 

It was just you. 

As I gazed at you, joy permeated my being. You were so much more than I could have ever imagined, hoped for, or expected.

I thought I would have to fight for the chance to let you feel my love. Looking back, I know you already HAD felt my love long before you were ever placed in my arms! And on that day, love is all you ever felt. Love enveloped us both, uniting us as mother and child.

I thought having the day mapped out and choreographed would ensure that I could have memories to cherish down the road. But, the fact is, each moment I held you in my arms is a memory that will forever be embedded on my heart. Feeling you on my chest, holding your hand in mine, and looking at your sweet face are things that I treasure far beyond anything that I could have planned or created. Taking snapshots in my mind of family and friends loving on you far exceeded the activities I thought were necessary to preserve the day.

Although my plans made some things simpler, and while I do love the physical items that were created to remember you by, the fact is those things were just extras. 

You, my love, were more than enough!

Dear Momma –

As you carry your baby, I encourage you, please plan and prepare. Doing so is both healthy and helpful. But as you do so, keep in mind, on that day, your baby will be more than enough! Enjoy the time leading up to your delivery; do not get caught up in the stress of trying to make things perfect. Once your little one is in your arms the rest will just be minor details. Plan to love your baby, plan to be smitten with his smile, plan to get caught up in each moment she is with you. Cherish your time together – whether that is minutes, hours, or days – soak in each moment. Looking back, you will realize you have some amazing moments to treasure the rest of your life.

With Care –
Amalya’s Momma
~ ~ ~

Bethany Conkel lives in Ohio and is married to her wonderful husband, Eric. She is the mommy to two amazing children – one who is in heaven, the other here on earth. Bethany carried her precious son, Amalya Nathaniel (meaning: “work of the Lord”, “given by God”) to term after receiving the diagnosis of anencephaly when she was 11 weeks pregnant. Amalya lived for 1 hour and 20 minutes before taking hold of the Lord’s hand. After he passed, his liver, pancreas, and whole body were donated to scientific research. Bethany has since created a website about neonatal organ, tissue, and whole body donation called Purposeful Gift to help other families explore the option of donation. She is also a certified Birth and Bereavement Doula through Stillbirthday.com and serves with Sufficient Grace Ministries.


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