Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Beautiful Moments, by Hope's mama

Post by Stacy 

Read Hope's story here

Here I am...sitting on the precipice of letting her go. Things are kind of ok now. I no longer feel like everyone I meet needs to know that we lost our precious baby or that they need to know our story. Hope is sacred! Hope is ours! Hope was here and she is real! But even more important, she is safe, loved and happy. I'm finally feeling like its ok to not let our loss rule over me. That it's ok to be happy again and enjoy the life we have. And that it's ok to not feel guilty anymore. 

Although none of this means I will ever forget her or forget all that's happened. Or that I will stop noticing the gaping hole in our family that was left by her passing. It's all changed me and shaped me into who I am now.
That hole is always there staring at me, reminding me. Nope, forgetting is impossible!!!
Just like a couple of weeks ago I took a picture of our 4 earthly kids at the lake. They were all kneeling on a bench and looking out over the water. After I took the pictures I went back to look at them and saw an empty spot right next to Audrey that just naturally was there on its own. A spot that should be filled with a chubby little toddler with long brown hair.

A beautiful little girl that should be here to wrap her sweet little arms around us. Hope should be here calling me mommy, nestled at my breast, getting spoiled by her siblings, telling us what color is her favorite, coloring us pictures, making up her own adorable funny versions of words, cheering her sister on at cross country meets, cuddling with her daddy and keeping him warm like our 4 other kiddos have when they were little. But for now, we can only imagine and dream of doing those things. How I long for the day when I can hear her voice when she finally calls me mommy. I want to look at her face and tell her all the things this mommy has desperately wanted to tell her baby....
Almost 3 years ago I never thought this moment or these feelings could come. I read that it can take up to 3 years for all the different phases of grief to take their course. Reading that, a week away from Hope's departure from my womb to a very short 32 minutes on earth and then into Jesus' arms...how could I possibly live 3 years??!! Let alone the rest of my life in such agony?!! What would I do?? How could I do this?? Why did I have to do this? Why me? Why our family? Why so much hurt, emptiness, brokenness?Who am I and who Am I in Christ since this? Who is this woman that's still suppose to be a wife, mom and friend? How in the world was I going to fulfill all of the demands and normal day to day needs that my family and everyone else had for me when I was filled with a yearning for Hope so strong it seemed I might die before it could possibly get better? And why so many unanswered questions? Having to live with all of the things a woman's body goes through after having a baby and having no baby to need those things is just as hard as the loss. It's a cruel physical reminder that the baby that was meant to be nurtured isn't there to need nurturing! A cruel reminder that the baby I prayed over, carried for 32 weeks and wanted so badly to hold and love was gone.  If there was an easy button for this part I would have gladly used it!
All I've known is being a mommy. My biggest fear has always been the possibility of losing one of my children and that fear became a reality. I still don't know exactly why such a tragedy is a part of our family and journey. And I'd like to say I embrace every possible moment now or hug my kids a little longer or make the most of everything with them.
I sure try. Especially moments when I know I need their hugs or they need mine. But sometimes life is still so hard to get a hold on. The damage is done and sometimes it still hurts just a little too much to fully love and live. But I am sure trying and catching small glimpses of the beauty that God gives everyday. And everyday those small glimpses seem to grow a little more. They come in the form of laughter, smiles, fun, enjoyment and beauty within my family and friends. The real kind of laughter that makes you lose your breath and cry tears of merriment. The kind of smile that doesn't have to be faked so everyone on the outside thinks your fine when your truly dying inside. It's a real smile that's not masking the hurt from the loss. The kind of fun, enjoyment and beauty that only comes from God when He peels back some layers of calluses that are built up on the heart that's been shut off and closed down for too long. It's beating again. Breaking free! One beautiful moment at a time! Sometimes that's scary but more and more it is freeing this broken heart to live and truly be alive!


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