Post by
Marcia.
Our story begins in July 2010 when my husband Kyle and I found out
that we were expecting our third child. It came as a shock for us. Our
two older daughters were 7 and 5 years old, and we had just finished
cleaning out our basement of baby items and clothes two months prior,
figuring the baby days were behind us. Kyle had just turned 39 and I 38,
and we had not anticipated in having any more children, but then a
little surprise came into our lives. Our two daughters, Lauren &
Kaitlyn were very excited to be big sisters, and we learned that our
little bundle of joy was due to arrive March 28, 2011.
I was
somewhat nervous and concerned from the beginning about the baby’s
health given my age. However, I pushed my fears aside, especially as we
ended the first trimester and everything was fine. I did have some
bleeding when I was between nine and ten weeks along, but the bleeding
subsided, my cervix was closed, and baby’s heart was beating away. The
second trimester came along though, and everything started to change
after an 18 week ultrasound in October 2010. A “lemon” sign was present
on our baby’s head (a marker for spina bifida), and she was one and a
half weeks behind in growth.
We were referred for another
ultrasound the following week at Maternal Fetal Medicine at a hospital
thirty minutes away. When the second ultrasound was completed, no lemon
sign was present, but our baby was one and a half to two weeks behind in
growth, so we had to come back every three weeks for her growth to be
monitored.
In November, at 22 weeks along, we reported for an
ultrasound. This time, it was noted that our baby girl, who we named
Peyton Elizabeth, was two weeks behind in growth, and that she was now
displaying an echogenic bowel and an enlarged kidney. While we were
concerned with the news we were getting, we still opted to not pursue an
amniocentesis yet. We felt that the doctors were being overly cautious.
I did consent for blood tests to determine if I was a carrier of Cystic
Fibrosis or if I had any viruses in my body. The results did come back
that I was a carrier of Cystic Fibrosis, but we kept a positive mindset.
We still believed that Peyton was going to be fine plus nothing was
confirmed yet.
Our next ultrasound was on December 13, 2010 at
the start of my 25th week. That day we learned something serious was
going on with Peyton. During the ultrasound, the doctor found a heart
defect (VSD) in her, and Peyton was now five weeks behind in growth. She
had hardly grown since her last appointment. We became highly concerned
at this point and opted to have the amnio that day. Cystic Fibrosis was
no longer the suspicion, but Down’s Syndrome or another chromosomal
disorder.
We were scheduled to come back in three weeks for
another appointment. We were very worried when we left MFM that day for
our daughter’s health. The news came on the afternoon of December 15th
when the genetic counselor called us. She told us that Peyton had
Trisomy 18. I had never heard of this disorder before. The genetic
counselor went on to say over the phone that babies do not survive, and
that our baby would die either before she was born or shortly after. I
cried, but then went into complete shock and disbelief. I couldn’t
believe this was happening that I had just heard those words. It felt
like an out of body experience, like it was happening to someone else,
not us.
It was at this time I started sharing the news with our
friends, family, and my coworkers through word of mouth and even
Facebook. I felt the need to get Peyton’s story out, and we needed all
the prayers we could get for our little Peyton. I began to research
about Trisomy 18, and had read that a small percentage of babies do
survive to birth, and live sometimes a few hours, weeks, and years. I
prayed
that our baby Peyton had the strength to beat the odds. I
just wanted her to stay as long as possible, but I didn’t want her to
suffer and hurt either.
Because Christmas was upon us, I decided
that we need to make the most of the holiday season, and celebrate it
with joy and happiness for our precious Peyton. I did my best to push
sorrow and distress aside, even though I felt her kicks and movements
starting to become weaker. I knew it would likely be Peyton’s only
Christmas holiday with us here on earth, and I wanted her to be
surrounded by peace, tranquility, and joy in her remaining days here.
Tuesday
January 4, 2011 was another day for an ultrasound at MFM. I was now 28
weeks along. I was anxious to see how she was doing, to hear her
heartbeat. However, we got the horrible news that day. We were told that
Peyton no longer had a heartbeat. Our little girl was gone. It was
devastating. I thought she was still moving inside of me. In fact, I
would feel these phantom kicks & movement for the next several
months. I couldn’t believe her death happened so quickly after we
received the news of her diagnosis. I didn’t want her to be gone yet.
The doctor at Maternal Fetal Medicine sent us to the lab while in tears
to have my blood drawn and then sent us home to wait for an appointment
in the afternoon with my regular OB so that we could make arrangements
for delivery at our local hospital. I have to say that the treatment we
received from MFM that day and even from the phone call of her diagnosis
& prognosis felt cold and insensitive.
I wasn’t able to
report to the hospital until two days later, Thursday January 6, 2011 at
5:00 a.m., as we were told that the rooms in the maternity wing were
full. My labor lasted close to 36 hours. Peyton was born still on Friday
January 7, 2011 shortly after 5 p.m. Peyton’s body was in pretty poor
and fragile condition due to the effects of decomposition on her little
body. She likely passed between 27 and 28 weeks and then it was nearly
another four days from the time we learned of her death until her
delivery. The effects of death on such a little baby were not pretty. I
had wanted our family and girls come hold Peyton, but in the end, Kyle
and I thought it was best for them not to see her in such a state. It
was upsetting to see her that way, but it was important for us as her
parents to hold her and say our goodbyes.
We did take some
photos of us holding her, and the hospital took footprints as well.
Her
little feet were in perfect condition. It would be weeks later that I
would regret not taking photos of her precious little feet. There was no
NILMDTS in our area or anyone to guide us in taking photos. In fact,
our local hospital only had a polaroid camera available. Luckily, we did
have our digital camera. Our priest came and blessed Peyton. The
hospital then dismissed us at around 9 p.m. that very evening, and we
left with a memory box instead of our little girl. Our hearts were
broken. I remember kissing her on my way out the door and walking to the
elevator with the nurse and being escorted to the door, but I remember
nothing of the way home. Two days later we met with the funeral home and
the priest to make funeral arrangements and decide upon a burial place
in the cemetery. We held Peyton’s visitation three days after her birth,
on January 10, 2011, so that we could thank our family and friends for
their prayers and support as well as have a chance to talk about Peyton.
Her funeral followed the next day on January 11, 2011 where we had a
graveside service. I remember tears in my eyes and holding my surviving
children close to me. I remember crying out in the end that I wanted her
back with me. I remember touching her casket before we left the
cemetery to go home.
In the first month or two after Peyton’s
death, we were in so much shock and we felt completely numb. We kept
hoping that we would wake up one day and find that it was all a
nightmare. But that day never came, and slowly we left the shock and
numbness stage, and began to feel the intense sadness and pain. We began
and continue to find ways to express and cope with our grief. Grief
over the loss of ou beloved baby girl is not an easy journey,
but through all of it, from Peyton’s diagnosis, her short life, and her
death, we felt Peyton had an important message and legacy. We saw how
she affected people from our friends & family to strangers we had
never met, once they heard her story. Through her life and death, she
reminded us all of the importance of love, faith, hope, and compassion.
We hope to continue to spread this legacy of hers. She truly is a
special and most precious baby. She is loved and missed greatly.
To read more of our story and my journey, visit our Beloved Peyton’s
website.
From
Peyton’s funeral service cards…“How very softly you tiptoed into my
world. Almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint
your footsteps have left upon my heart” ~Dorothy Ferguson
