12 DOC: Day Two: Cheli Blasco

*This post is part of our Twelve Days of Christmas series. You can read more here.*

Christmas with you, Christmas without you
By Cheli Blasco

This is the third Christmas without Luna. Really it's just one more in an eternity without her. 

The first time, it was unbearable. It would have been her first Christmas. I had thought she would have been three months old. Little and squishy, that sweet baby skin, to nuzzle on her neck, around the tree, trying to get her and her brothers to be still for a split second for a family photo. 

Instead, that first year, I ignored the winter holidays. We went away for the weekend, just the fours of us. We had an early dinner, late breakfast, and I hunched into my winter jacket and tried to keep from shivering.

The second winter without her, I peeked out of my shell a little bit. I invited her godmother over to our house for dinner. It was quiet and there were presents for her. I spent the evening in black sweat pants. It was the best I could do.

This year, so far, is confusing me. I had just wrapped my head around holiday mourning. But this year we have her baby brother in our arms as well. Everything is different. Lighter. Also, heavier. Easier. And a little bit harder.

So much of my grief has been sitting down to connect with Luna. Finding quiet moments to be with her in my thoughts, feel her in my heart. I like to craft. Slowly, the older boys join me and we spread out over the kitchen table. We have the most gorgeous works of love and happiness, of missing and remembering Luna. Eight month olds, they are not so much into crafting...

That's why when the opportunity to take part of this project came up, I raised my hand eagerly. It was the perfect present, exactly what I needed, exactly what I wanted: the opportunity to think of how to spend this Christmas with Luna.

This is what I came up with.

Everyday Christmas Stars

This is a way of taking a moment out of the everyday hustle and bustle. Of reflecting on the mundane little things, feeling and lovingly acknowledging how my baby girl is here, in everything I do, in every beautiful thing of this world.

I chose a beautiful box I had around the house. Watercolors, brushes, watercolor paper and a pen.

I dipped the biggest brush in water and brushed the water all over the paper, giving it a light coat of water to start with.

Then I just started coloring in the paper. Sometimes I colored in layers. 

Circles, blotches, whathaveyou.

I mixed in some colors.

I colored in every inch of the paper.

I turned it over and drew starts on it.

The I cut out the stars. I used scissors, cause that's just how I roll. But an exacto knife would make the stars come out a bit neater.

These are our holiday stars. Mine and Luna's.

Creating memories. Moments together. Two hearts in one (and missing her so much).

Wishing everyone a gentle holiday season. So different from what we imagined, from what we ever hoped. I hope we all manage to find quiet moments of peace and connection. A small prayer, a moment of meditation and breath, where me meet with the great love that is our child. May we hold this close to our hearts, and find peace and warmth.

~ ~ ~

Cheli Blasco was born in Argentina. Later,she moved to NYC to get a degree in Comparative Literature and, ultimately, a husband. In Madrid, Spain, she became a mother and a doula. Her two homeschooled boys keep me happy and partly crazy. Her third child, their daughter Luna, was born at 26 weeks and 5 days gestation. From the very beginning they learned that she had a syndrome that, in her case, was incompatible with life. She was born at home in a beautiful and loving birth that was heart-wrenching and healing. Her blog is dedicated to Luna, and to everything she is slowly learning as she mothers her pure soul.