I Will Carry You

By Alex Hopper

Inscribed across my left foot are the words, “I will carry you”. They are just above the imprint of the tiniest, most beautiful pair of feet. The imprint is of my son’s feet. Every time I look down, I see them. And every time I see them, the words, “He is real”, come to my mind. This has become a little “reality check” that I do, several times a day. This may seem weird to someone who has not lost a child, but to those of us who have, this is quite normal.

There is never a time when my son is not on my mind. In the beginning, he was in the forefront. I just had a newborn, so of course he should be on my mind as he would need constant attention. But my son never came home. As my mind was becoming the mind of a mother, my child was taken away, and I was left with constant thoughts of my son, who was no longer here to mother (at least not physically). But I quickly learned I must still mother my son, in the ways I knew how. I mothered my son as I carried him for 33 weeks. I mothered my son as I endured a 12 hour labor and delivered him into this world. I mothered my son as I held him and cherished him for 12 hours. I mothered my son when I set him in the bassinet, for the first, and for the last time as he was wheeled away from me. I mothered my son as I planned his funeral and laid him to rest. And I have mothered him every day since, by grieving him, loving him, and making sure he is never forgotten.

This reality, where I am separated from my child, my heart, is too much to bear. But I must bear it, so my mind may let me believe that this is all a nightmare from which I will soon awaken. But I am awake, and this is the harsh truth; my son died. And though he died, he also lived. So every time I see those tiny footprints, I know that he was real, and he still is. I carried him while he was here and I will carry him until I see him again.

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Alex Hopper is a writer in North Carolina. She is married to her beloved, Trent, and mommy to her angel, Cyrus. Cyrus was diagnosis with a fatal birth defect in the womb at 12 weeks. He was carried with love until he was born at 33 weeks on November 25, 2013. He lived for 1 hour and 9 minutes. His life was short, but his legacy lives on.