The Me I Used to Be

By Kellie Soper

It's been a year since I learned my life would be flipped upside down and inside out. A year since the world as I knew it came crumbling down below me. As our diagnosis day approached, I have thought about what I've lost, what I've grieved, what I've missed out on.

As I sit and ponder this past year and continue to grieve for my daughter, I realized I haven't grieved the me I used to be. I am not the person I was a year ago, not even close. And there are moments I miss her.

The me I used to be loved holding new babies and soaking in all that newborn goodness. The me I am now hasn't held a baby since Lily was born sleeping. 

The me I used to be believed once you made it through the first trimester you were invincible. The me I am now knows that each stage of pregnancy is a miracle.

The me I used to be believed that a strong and perfectly beating heart was enough. The me I am now knows otherwise.

The me I used to be wasn't afraid to see a positive pregnancy test. All she wanted was a big family. The me I am now approaches each passing month with a sense of sadness, but also a little relief.

The me I used to be thought I was immune to statistics. She didn't believe 1 in 1,000 applied to her. She thought the luck of her family and all the healthy babies would just pass on to her too.

I grieve for her and at times I miss her, but then I think about all that the me I used to be missed out on and honestly, I feel sorry for her.

The me I used to be took present moments for granted. She was always looking ahead, never content with where she was in life. She was constantly looking to what would happen next and struggled with being thankful for the gifts she was given. 

The me I used to be didn't know she could love someone so intensely before they were even born. 

The me I used to be didn't know it was possible for her heart to overflow with joy at the sight of her daughter, and overwhelmed with sorrow knowing she would have to give her back.

The me I used to be didn't know she could fall more and more in love with her husband as we continue to grieve for our daughter.

The me I used to be didn't know she had it in her to fight and defend the dignity of all life.

Most importantly, the me I used to be didn't know Heaven could kiss Earth. I didn't know that I would spend the rest of my life cherishing all the sweet and tender moments with my son, and longing for glimpses of Heaven with my daughter. 

The me I used to be didn't know what real love looked like, but now I do, and the me I am now is eternally grateful for these gifts.

~ ~ ~

Kellie Soper lives in Arizona and is wife to her amazing husband, Jason. Together they have two beautiful children, one on earth and one sweet, perfect soul in Heaven. Ted is a wild, silly, and rambunctious toddler. Their sweet Lily Frances was born sleeping on November 12, 2014. They learned at their 18 week ultrasound that Lily had a fatal neural tubal defect the doctors said was "incompatible with life." Kellie and Jason both knew Lily was not a "decision", but their precious daughter and they believe her life was of value, no matter what. She carried Lily with love for 42 weeks and 2 days. They miss her every single day, but are grateful for the honor and privilege of being her parents. You can read more about their family on Kellie's blog, Life and Love.