I Didn't Know

by Bethany Conkel

I didn’t know he would steal my heart.

I didn’t know my arms would never be the same after holding him.

I didn’t know that his image would be imprinted in my mind forever.

I didn’t know that a hint of his fragrance would bring me right back to that moment when they placed him on my chest.

I didn’t know that so many things would make me think of him.

I didn’t know I would miss him so much after having such a short time with him.

I didn’t know that he would make me more compassionate and loving.

I didn’t know that he would allow me to love his father even more.

I didn’t know he would make me a better mother.

I didn’t know he would change the way I viewed the loss of a loved one.

I didn’t know that he would inspire me to help others walking this road.

I didn’t know he would allow me to have deeper friendships.

I didn’t know he would teach me to not take things for granted.

I didn’t know his existence would encourage me to become educated on topics I didn’t even know existed before he came along.

I didn’t know that he would have a mighty, mighty, impact on this world.

I didn’t know that others’ lives would be saved because of him.

I didn’t know he would be loved by so many people.

I didn’t know that he would give me something to rejoice over and be thankful for.

I didn’t know that he would teach me how joy can permeate sorrow.

I didn’t know he would be worth every moment of pain and heartache.

I didn’t know I could (or would) love him so deeply.

I didn’t know my life would be forever changed.

I just didn’t know…

I was asked why I didn’t end my pregnancy if I already KNEW what would happen…

The fact is I DIDN’T KNOW. And, if I had ended my pregnancy because of what I thought I KNEW, I would have never truly KNOWN…

~ ~ ~

Bethany Conkel lives in Ohio and is married to her wonderful husband, Eric. She is the mommy to two amazing children – one who is in heaven, the other here on earth. Bethany carried her precious son, Amalya Nathaniel (meaning: “work of the Lord”, “given by God”) to term after receiving the diagnosis of anencephaly when she was 11 weeks pregnant. Amalya lived for 1 hour and 20 minutes before taking hold of the Lord’s hand. After he passed, his liver, pancreas, and whole body were donated to scientific research. Bethany has since created a website about neonatal organ, tissue, and whole body donation called Purposeful Gift to help other families explore the option of donation. She is also a certified Birth and Bereavement Doula through Stillbirthday.com and serves with Sufficient Grace Ministries.