The What-Ifs

By Christine Russo

They say not to dwell on the 'what ifs' after loss. "The why me's and what ifs will eat your brain" is a quote I read and stuck to early on. But lately there's been a resurgence in me that keeps wondering..what if? It's hard not to let my mind wander lately, it's been this strong gravitational pull that I can't put my finger on.

What if we went to that anatomy scan and came out with a 'happy holidays!' Instead of total devastation?

What if we enjoyed Christmas Eve the next night with our family and the gender reveal of opening up a box with the 'it's a girl' ornament inside instead of being completely paralyzed in our bed?

What if our due date came and I had the birth I always dreamed of with my daughter instead of going in early to find no heartbeat and going through 5 days of torturous labor?

What if we took Gianna home to her very own beautiful nursery instead of waiting for her remains from the crematorium?

What if her warm, live little body cuddled with us instead of us clutching her teddy bear urn nightly?

What if she was here to play with her little brother and teach him things instead of watching over him from heaven?

Sometimes I find the what ifs to be comforting. Sometimes I imagine what life would be like with a spunky, brown haired little 16 month old girl running the show here at home. 

Would she be bossy? Would she be sweet and docile? Would she want to be a ballerina or play games with little brother? 

The possibilities are completely endless.

Do you ever have those 'what ifs' sneak into your head? How do they make you feel? Try, just for today, to surrender to those thoughts. Allow yourself, just once, to explore what should have been. 

You may smile, you may cry, let your emotions flow freely, but try not to dwell in that place for too long. We all understand the harsh reality of our circumstances, but once in a while, it's beautiful to imagine what should have been with our precious little children.

~ ~ ~

Christine Russo is a wife to an amazing, supportive husband, and a mommy to Angel Gianna Marie, and her little brother, Romeo. She carried Gianna after receiving a fatal diagnosis halfway into her pregnancy. Through the love and spirit of their special daughter, who means the world to them, they wish to help support other families who have to say goodbye to a piece of their heart.