A Collection of Poems, Part I

How Do I Live, Knowing He Never Got To?

By Jenni Dolezilek Sternberg

How do I live everyday without him?

How do I sleep at night knowing his cries will never wake me in the middle of the night?

How do I live knowing my body could keep him alive inside of me, but could do nothing once he was born?

How do I live knowing the last place I got to “tuck him in” was his coffin?

How do I live knowing the last time I kissed him, was the last time I kissed him this side of Heaven?

How do I live knowing all the things I didn’t get to do and remembering the things I had to do and didn’t get to?

How do I live knowing I will never again be whole, knowing when he slipped out of my body, a piece , a part of me slipped out too, never to be regained, but was instead buried inside his little coffin with him?

How could I possibly leave him at the cemetery, alone and cold?

He left my dark cocoon of a womb fully enveloped in love and has now been left in a cold, dark hole in the earth.

How do I live knowing he never saw the sun, or a snowflake, he never felt the wind, tasted chocolate, or swung on a swing?

He never got a bedtime story, ate cookies, he’ll never go to school, he’ll never kiss me goodbye.

How do I live knowing I’ll never hear his laugh, his cry, his voice, hear him sing, I’ll never hear him call me mommy, or tell me he loves me?

I’ll never feel his kisses, or hugs, or his warm breath. I’ll never see his eyes light up when he sees me.

How do I carry that burden, it’s too heavy- I don’t want to be “the woman who lost a baby-” I want to shed the title, the sadness, the heaviness, even if just for a while.

I don’t want every happy event left to come to be tainted with, “Cameron should be here.”

I hate hating pregnant women, I hate being jealous of people who have died.

I hate having to with all my strength keep myself from wishing I was dead- and sometimes coming to close to that desire and jumping headfirst into the pain- asking God to take me to Cameron, trying to tell myself there is no reason to stay.

I know Cameron is in the most wonderful place of all. I don’t worry about him- well, I do a little, I’m his mom, that’s what moms do. But I feel the pain- I want to be the one to share all of Cameron’s “firsts.” I want to show him everything and tell him everything- and I want to see his first tooth, first haircut, etc.

How do I live without him?

How do I live knowing all the dreams are shattered?

How do I live amongst the broken shards?

I injure myself on them constantly.

I feel the pain at every moment, it follows me like a cloud.