12 DOC: Day Three Giveaway {Winner}

This giveaway is now CLOSED. We have a winner...

Tanya Jackson, Random.org has picked you! Please contact us HERE within 24 hours to claim your prize!

*Remember, even if you didn't win this time, you can still enter our other giveaways for the 12 Days of Christmas!

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It's giveaway time!

All babyloss families in the US are eligible to win. (Sorry, we are unable to ship internationally at this time).

Enter to win a FREE Sedona Wax Warmer to fill your home with light beautiful scents of the season.

To enter:
1. Like All That Love Can Do on Facebook
2. Comment below with your baby's name(s)/special date(s).

The winner will be announced on Tuesday, December 3rd, and will have 24 hours to claim their prize.

Good luck!

*Be sure to check out Becca's post in our 12 Days of Christmas series, here.

12 Days of Christmas: Day Three

Written by Becca Jevons
 
To most people, Aron is the boy that never was. To me he is my first baby, who changed me forever and who I will spend the rest of my life missing.

I didn't get to carry my baby to term. Sometimes I think that's lucky because I was spared the torture of seeing his face and having to let him go. Sometimes I think it's not because I never got the chance to see his face and tell him goodbye. Mostly what I have come to realize is that there is no such thing as lucky. It doesn't matter at what stage you lose them, you are their mother from the moment you know that they exist, and nothing in the world can change that.

We decided in April 2009 to start trying for a baby. After 18months of trying it was clear that we needed help. We were referred to a fertility clinic in 2011 and finally in 2012 after years of trying and months of fertility treatment, we were pregnant. We lost our baby, Aron during pregnancy on 21st September 2012.

You can read more about our journey here: Life: Not What It Should Be

I can't tell you much about the months following Aron's death. It was a really dark time. I got up every day, I went to work and I came home. I ignored the phone, I avoided friends and family and I withdrew. It was what I needed to do to survive. I bought a scrapbook and I would come home every night and write to Aron. I started at the beginning and told him all about his life, about his family and about how much I missed him.

The approach to last Christmas was rough. I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole, and the only way I could really deal with it was to withdraw. I said no to any invitation that was sent our way. Friends and family didn't understand this at all. I remember one friend telling me that torturing myself by staying away from people wasn't going to bring my baby back. She was right that Aron was never coming back, I knew that, but what she didn't understand was that spending time with people was torture. Spending time on my own and remembering Aron was my way of protecting my heart.

To make matters worse for me, two months after losing Aron, at the end of November 2012 my sister told me that she was pregnant. It took her all of 6 months to get pregnant. This seemed so horribly unfair. Again, I coped by staying away. What was the point of spending time with people who thought that ignoring my loss was the best way to deal with it? Christmas day itself was a strain. We spent a quiet day with my husband's family. They knew not to expect a lot from me and for the most part they left me in peace. The day itself wasn't so bad, but by 8pm I was completely drained and retreated to the bedroom where I emailed myself a letter to Aron to add to his journal.

For me, New Year was worse. I didn't want to enter a new year because that meant leaving behind the year when Aron had existed. It was really rough. I went to bed at 11pm that night and cried my way through the fireworks that I could hear in our neighbourhood. I just didn't understand how the world could carry on when mine had stopped.

This Christmas will be very different to last Christmas. We are imminently expecting the arrival of Aron's little sister. Depending on when she decides to make her appearance, she will be 4-6 weeks old come Christmas day, so we will be having a quiet Christmas at home, just our baby, her daddy and me. The existence of our daughter changes everything. She does not replace Aron and she does not take away the pain of losing him, but what she has done is to give me the ability to look to the future. From the moment she is born I will be telling her about Aron. He will still be part of our lives and we will make him part of our celebrations.

My main tip for surviving the holidays is to look after yourself. Don't listen to anyone else. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. If you need to cry, indulge that need because chances are that you'll feel better afterwards. If you don't want to buy presents and pretend that everything is OK, then don't do it. Do what is right for you. This is your journey, this is your loss. You own it and you owe it to yourself to give yourself time to grieve and for your heart to heal. Sure, friends and family will have pearls of wisdom about what you should or shouldn't be doing, but do you know what? If they understood even a fraction of what you have lost, they wouldn't think to share their advice, because they would know that the best thing you can do is to let yourself grieve. Its healthy. Its the only way you will get through this time and learn to live with life as it is now. So my tip is to be selfish and to do what is right for YOU. Sometimes when you stop worrying about what people expect of you and just say no, some of the pressure is instantly released.

Because we don't have photos of Aron or much in the way of his toys or clothes, his presence in our house is not always evident to the untrained eye. But do you know what, he's everywhere. And even more so at Christmas. We have special decorations that we bought for him to put on the Christmas tree, and we light candles. The candle thing is something we do all year round, but this December I have bought him an advent candle that we will light every day during December to remember our boy. I will write to him in the run up to Christmas. We attend special services for families who have lost babies, and I will go to church to light a candle for him and to pray that God id keeping him safe (I struggle with this part though). Mostly, we just remember him. In our own quiet way we remember him and we always will.

These are the decorations that we bought last year for Aron.

We will probable buy another one for him this year, and when his little sister is old enough, she can choose some for him too. I chose these decorations because to me they represent childhood and the childish excitement of Christmas. They are also important because they are fairtrade decorations. It's really important to me that I always do good in Aron's name.

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Since writing this post, Becca and her husband have welcomed their beautiful Rainbow baby girl, Aron's little sister, Afonwy, safely into the world. You can read their story on her blog, HERE.

12 DOC: Day Two Giveaway {Winner}

This giveaway is now CLOSED. We have a winner! Paige, you have been selected by Random.org! Please contact us HERE within 24 hours to claim your prize!

If you didn't win this time, you can still order yourself a photo from The Sacred Seashore! They have several gorgeous photos for only $5. You may also enter any of our upcoming giveaways during the 12 Days of Christmas.

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It's giveaway time!

Enter for the chance to win a FREE photo of your choice from The Sacred Seashore!

All babyloss families are eligible to win.

To enter:
1. Like All That Love Can Do on Facebook
2. Go to The Sacred Seashore and chose the photo you'd like to win.
3. Comment below with your baby's name(s)/special date(s) and the name of the photo you'd like if you win..

The winner will be announced on Tuesday, December 3rd, and will have 24 hours to claim their prize.

Good luck!

*Be sure to check out Catherine's post in our 12 Days of Christmas series, here.

12 Days of Christmas: Day Two

by Catherine McVerry

Our son, Gabriel was stillborn last July, just a couple of months after being diagnosed with a fatal complication. His due date was in early October and for the majority of my pregnancy I looked forward to dressing him up for Halloween, showing him off to all my extended family on Thanksgiving and spoiling him with toys on Christmas. Unfortunately, I spent the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Gabriel knowing that all those events would never take place. There would be no Halloween costume, no Thanksgiving celebration, no Baby's 1st Christmas.

Even though every day in the life of a babyloss parent is hard, I think that most would agree that the holidays are an especially difficult time. For me, the holidays are hard because they trigger memories of naively planning out the first few months of Gabriel's life... time I never got with him. The holidays also remind me of how much Gabriel's death affects other people, not just my husband and I. I feel bad for the rest of my family and my husband's family because I know they are missing Gabriel too. The holidays are bittersweet for them too. It is almost like there is nothing worth celebrating if Gabriel can't be here to join the festivities. I keep thinking that if only he was here, then this could be the happiest time of the year for all of us.  

Last year was our first Christmas after losing Gabriel. I did my best to stay busy and focused on what I could do to include him. My husband and I bought a small Christmas tree and decorated it with homemade and store bought ornaments that reminded us of him. We also ordered a special handmade knitted stocking and had his name embroidered on it. We decorated his table (where we keep his pictures and ashes) with Christmas lights and candles. We asked friends and family to perform random acts of kindness in his honor and email them to us. On Christmas Eve, we printed them all out and after opening presents on Christmas, we read each one aloud. Lastly, we made donations to several different charities in Gabriel's honor. We had received so much support from so many amazing organizations and wanted to give back to them so they could continue to help other babyloss parents. We also thought that it would be nice if Gabriel was included in the giving part of the Christmas season since he couldn't be here for the receiving part.

This Christmas will be our 2nd one without Gabriel. It's been over 16 months since he died and a lot has changed during that time. I've noticed that as I return more and more to my normal life that I end up doing less and less for Gabriel. It is becoming more difficult to juggle my day-to-day life with parenting a child in heaven. I feel guilty because I don't have as much time or as great of a need to do things for Gabriel as I did last year. Because of this, I'm actually looking forward to the holidays this year because it's a time when I get a break from my everyday responsibilities and I'll have time to do a lot more for Gabriel than I normally can.

One thing I'm really looking forward to is putting together a Christmas card that includes Gabriel, so that family and friends will remember him with us this Christmas. I want to show others that Gabriel is still very much part of our family and I think a Christmas card is the perfect way to do so. If you're thinking about including your child in your holiday card, there are many ways you can do so. You can simply sign their name or draw in a symbol that represents them. Or you could make a collage of photos with your living children and one of Carly Marie's Christmas Beach Wonderland photos or a Personalized Holiday Candle photo from my site, The Sacred Seashore.

Christmas is also a great time to bond with your child by working on a special craft project. I find crafts to be really healing because they make me feel like I am mothering Gabriel. Last Christmas, I made a couple of ornaments with Gabriel's name on them and decided to start an ornament-making holiday tradition.

If you like making things in honor of your child, consider making a Christmas ornament to add to your tree. You could even make a few and give some away to your family members. There are so many Christmas ornament ideas out there for all different skill levels. Many craft stores sell ornament making kits or "blank" ornaments that you can decorate with paint and glitter. For inspiration, I've started a DIY Christmas Ornament Pinterest Board.

Another tradition I started last year was giving to others in memory of Gabriel. Giving to charity in memory of your child is a great way to include them in the holidays. What my husband and I do is set aside the money that we would have used to buy Gabriel's Christmas presents, and donate that money to several different organizations. Keep in mind that giving to others in honor of your child doesn't mean that you have to spend a lot of money. There are so many ways to show generosity during the holidays. Check with your local church or food bank to see if they're collecting canned food items for needy families. Donate a toy to Toys for Tots. Put together a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child. Or donate whatever you can afford to a worthy charity that has helped you. If you can't afford to give items or money, consider volunteering or performing random acts of kindness throughout the holiday season in memory of your child. Showing generosity and kindness towards others is an amazing way to keep both your child and the spirit of Christmas alive.

There is of course no magic trick to getting through the holidays after you've lost a child. There is certainly no right or wrong way to celebrate Christmas. It's going to be difficult and bittersweet and surviving it is simply a matter of doing what you can to get through it. But it can also be a time of healing and bonding with your child. Finding ways to include your child in your Christmas celebrations and traditions can not only make the holidays a little bit easier, but can even make Christmas a special time of the year when your child is lovingly remembered by others and honored in beautiful, meaningful ways. 

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You can read Catherine's blog HERE, order yourself some beautiful photos HERE and follow her Facebook page HERE. 

12 DOC: Day 1 Giveaway {Winner}

This giveaway is now CLOSED.

Random.org has chosen Maggie Bleem as the winner!
Maggie, you have 24 hours to send a message to us HERE to claim your $15 code! 

**For those that didn't win this time, be sure to enter our upcoming giveaways for the 12 Days of Christmas. You can also sign up for Beth's newsletter to get a 25% off code to purchase your favorite piece!

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It's giveaway time!

Enter for the chance to win a $15 credit towards any of Beth Morey's art at Epiphany Art Studio!

All babyloss families are eligible to win.

To enter:
1. Like All That Love Can Do on Facebook
2. Go to Epiphany Art Studio and pick out your favorite piece.
(This does not have to be the piece you purchase if you win the credit).
3. Comment below with your baby's name(s)/special date(s) and the title of your favorite piece.

The winner will be announced on Monday, December 2nd, and will have 24 hours to claim their prize.

Good luck!

*Be sure to check out Beth's post in our 12 Days of Christmas series, here.

12 Days of Christmas: Day One

Surviving the Holidays: Rewriting Our Vocabulary & Finding a “Yes”

by Beth Morey 

Two years ago, I sat at Thanksgiving dinner choking back tears. I pushed the barely touched food around my plate and wished I hadn't chosen a seat in the corner, where it was hard to leave and run for the bathroom to sob without making a scene. I don't remember what everyone else was doing or saying. All I know is that I wanted to die.

Four days before, I had birthed our baby girl. She was dead, dead before she was born, at 31 weeks. Cause of death was undetermined. I birthed her, we held her for a few brief hours, and said goodbye.

We named her Eve.

And then days later, Thanksgiving. A month more, Christmas.

One of the aspects of babyloss and bereavement that I continue to find the hardest, even two years out, is the passage of time. I was not ready to move forward, to leave my shortened pregnancy and the precious time we had spent with our daughter's body behind. But the days trudged forward mercilessly, dragging me through the gamut of holidays that I imagine rubs salt in the wounds of any griever, no matter the type of loss.

Because the holidays are a marker, more than any other day. They roll around annually, and try as we might we cannot avoid them, cannot hide from them. Gathering around the holiday dinner table highlights those who should have been there but aren't. Purchasing and exchanging presents reminds us of the presents that we long to buy but whose recipient is no longer living.

The holidays are hard for a griever, for a bereaved mother. Damn hard.

So how are we to survive?

My advice is to rewrite your vocabulary. There is nothing that a griever “should,” “need to,” or “have to” do during the holiday season, except get through it in one piece. Get rid of those words. Throw them away, and let no one try to tell you that you really should stop mentioning your baby during the festivities, or that you need to attend holiday dinner, or that you have to comply with the expectations.

You don't have to go to dinner. You don't have to buy presents. You don't have to put on a good face.

You don't. Really.

There is only one person who decides what you are going to do this holiday season, and that person is you (perhaps with some loving and gentle input from a spouse or significant other). Continue old traditions or create new ones, or forgo all the holiday activities entirely – it is completely up to you.

That said, my other piece of advice is to consider showing up for the holidays. Consider going to that small gathering of sympathetic loved ones, or that religious service, or that tree lighting. Again, it is for you to decide; don't let those “should's” creep in. But also wisely select gentle ways you can show up for the holiday, because you may end up being pleasantly surprised.

I was surprised, that first Christmas after Eve's stillbirth. My husband and I planned to spend the day with his family. The night before, I had only the most pessimistic expectations for our holiday. But on Christmas morning, I woke up strangely energized. I threw together a group gift for my inlaws, drew a deep breath, and confirmed to my husband that I wanted to attend the small family gathering.

And – I was delightfully surprised. What I expected to be another holiday spent with the constant taste of my own tears in my mouth was instead a beautiful and gentle day. My family remembered Eve, which was an incredible gift, and I felt loved and held, and my pain was respected. I later described it on my blog as the best Christmas I had ever had, incredibly.

I encourage you to keep your eyes open for ways that you can say yes to the holidays this year. Be on the lookout for small gatherings that will be gentle on your heart, with people that will honor your grief and your loss. If possible, ask the people that you will be spending the holidays with beforehand to incorporate your baby into the celebrations in some way, such as hanging a special ornament on the tree or even simply mentioning his or her name to you.

The holidays, they can be an ordeal for the raw and grieving heart. Do what you need to do to survive.

Remove all “should's” from your vocabulary. And also try saying yes to gentle celebrations as you feel able. May your holiday season be gentle and surprising in only the most beautiful ways, and I hope that you feel your missing child's presence lingering close. 

 

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Beth Morey is the mixed media artist behind Epiphany Art Studio. Her soulful and whimsical creations are born out of the griefs, joys, and not-knowings of life. She is also the founder of Made, an online course exploring the intersection of faith and art, and the author of the creative healing workbook, Life After Eating Disorder. Beth loves meeting new friends through her blog, where she writes about loss, faith, and creativity. She lives in Montana with the Best Husband Ever, their rainbow son, and their three naughty dogs.

It's Starting Tomorrow! {and, Carrying To Term during the Holidays}

The first official All That Love Can Do 12 Days of Christmas begins tomorrow!

 

My hope is that you’ll find comfort in knowing you are not alone, support from other families who are also walking this path, and healing by learning ways to include your beautiful baby in your holiday.

Please remember above all else to be extra gentle with yourself as you face the holidays without your baby. Only do what feels right to you and nothing more. It’s your baby who died, your grief, and only you can decide how to heal. It’s perfectly acceptable to “skip” the holidays and simply survive. You know in your heart what you need to do.

If you would like to connect with other babyloss families, please join our private group.

Each day, we’ll be sharing the story of one family and how they have coped with holidays since the loss of their baby. We will also have ideas for ways you can honor your baby this Christmas, special giveaways, and ideas for how to survive.

Together, we will remember our beautiful babies and find hope and healing during this very hard time of year.

See you tomorrow!

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 **The following section is specifically for families who are currently carrying a baby 

who has been diagnosed with a fatal condition** 

Since All That Love Can Do was created to help families who continue pregnancy after a fatal diagnosis,  it's important to me to share some ideas for making the most of your time during the holidays.
 

It was two years ago that I was carrying our son, Samuel, who had been very recently diagnosed with a randomly-occurring and fatal condition called PUV. I was trying to keep it together as all my hopes and dreams for our son were slipping through my fingers. I gathered up all of my courage and did my best to make the most of his only Christmas with us. It was a very challenging time for us. We took it one day at a time and that’s what I always recommend for anyone facing the loss of their baby. (Sometimes, it’s just one moment at a time!) You can read our story here.

Please know how deeply sorry I am that you have to face the loss of your loved and wanted baby. I know how hard it is. I know how emotional it is. I know how much it hurts. But I also know you can do this. You have this time to make the most of, and every day your baby is alive is another chance to fill them up with your love. Remind yourself this is the one chance you have to make it special. Give yourself breaks to cry and release your feelings, then try again when you’re ready. Protect your heart by surrounding yourself with only those people who are supportive and encouraging. Do what you feel you’d like to do and nothing more.

Depending on how far along you are, and your baby’s condition, baby may be able to hear, taste, and see, despite being tucked inside. You can still do some of the things you wanted to do in the future with baby, just in a different way than you had planned.

Here are some ways to make your baby’s Christmas a special one:

Read a special Christmas story to baby

Watch a holiday movie as a family (baby can listen along)

Make Christmas cookies and enjoy a few with baby

Listen to Christmas music

Go to a Christmas concert

Donate toys in your baby’s name

Visit family and friends and let them talk to baby

Decorate the tree together and tell baby all about it

Drive around to look at Christmas lights and tell baby all about it

Buy yourself some warm holiday slippers (when mama’s comfy, mama’s relaxed and so is baby)

Light some holiday scented candles

Buy baby a special stocking and/or ornament

Have a 3D ultrasound done and use the images as your holiday card

Begin a journal of your time together and write a letter to your baby

These are just some of the ways you can make the most of your time at Christmas. Do what feels right to you and know that you are a brave and beautiful mama, and you are doing an amazing thing.

If you would like to get support from other mother’s who have carried their babies with a fatal condition, you can join our private online support group*. There is no need to face this alone.

My greatest hope is that you will be able to make some very special memories with your baby to last you a lifetime.

with Samuel in my heart, 

RaeAnne

*Every person who asks to join the group will be sent an email. Please note: it may go to your “other” inbox. You will only be added to the group once you respond to the email. For the protection of the privacy of the group members, only mothers who continue pregnancy after a fatal diagnosis will be approved to join.